Falling

III

Alicia
The day before

I woke up quite early. It was the day of the reward ceremony at school. I tried to dress neatly, tucking in my shirt and sorting out my striped tie. I caught the bus on time as normal.. My life is no longer normal but school helps me to forget.

The bus ride was horrific as usual. Everyone is loud and often violent. I always sit by myself, which used to be unbelievably lonely, but now I enjoy the fact I have the whole hour to myself. I don't really have any true friends at school and everyone has been avoiding me recently so not to upset me. Everyone except May. She's the only thing that has kept me sane. She doesn't go to my school but I wish she did. We've been best friends since nursery and being without her is hard.

We lined up outside the hall. I was sandwiched between two boys who I don't think I've ever spoken to. Everyone was fidgeting and whispering, excitedly waiting to go in. I on the other hand was dreading it. I hate assembly's. We all filed in, sitting in rows on the old wooden floor. It was always dirty, and had the distant smell of sweat and bare feet. I wrinkled my nose. I hate so many people being around me. I could feel them breathing down my neck. Just remembering it makes my skin crawl. It was unjustifiably hot and with a couple hundred buzzing teenagers in the room the temperature kept rising mercilessly. My stomach began to churn. I panicked. Not again.

The headmaster entered and silence fell upon the hall. He is a stout middle aged man who you would not like to cross, but he has been awfully kind to me. By the time the first few names were called my head was spinning and I soon began to sweat from the overwhelming heat. No one else seemed to feel it.

Calm down.

I knew I'd be fine as long as I didnt have to get up.

My stage fright was practically crippling, and with this ominous churning I knew it would not end well. I just hoped I wouldn't be chosen.

My chest was tight and my head was thumping. The heat suffocating me.

Mr White smiled as my name left his lips.

NO!

I stood up. The world was a spinning swirling sea. A roar of applause tore through me as I staggered towards the front. My stomach was screaming. The heat and the noise and the people. It was all too much. Black spots started to cloud my visions. My head was a blur. It happened just as I reached the front. Like a car crash in slow motion - I was powerless to stop it. My stomach lurched and I vomited. In front of everyone. Then (I was told) that I promptly - and rather conveniently fainted.

I was paralysed. Could not move. There was a girl staring at me. I was lying on my back and she stood over me wearing a very concerned look. She was me. Me but with red hair and green eyes. I could move. I touched my face and she touched hers. It was a disjointed mirror. I was staring back at me, but she wasn't me.

I woke up sharply. I was in the medical room and Dad was there. So was my counsellor and one of the medics. They were talking in hushed voices. "I think it's because of what happened," said one. "She hasn't been the same since..." "I just don't kno-" then they realised I was awake and they stopped talking immediately.

Dad took me straight home and I went to bed. I tossed and turned still feeling awful, but glad to be home. I slept a long empty sleep and I do not remember what I dreamt.

When I woke up I ate a small dinner of plain toast. My dad watched me worriedly while I ate. It was not the same without Mum. The grief hit me in my chest tearing me open from the inside. I left my plate, choking back tears I ran upstairs to take my mind off of it. Dad didn't need to know I was upset. I had to be strong for him.

It's just so unreal. So unfair.

The only time I can be me again is when I am dreaming. I got back into bed and quickly fell into a troubled sleep...