A Moment of Innocence: Kickstarts (Jaythan)

Nathan

My adrenaline was pumping. My heart was beating at a rapid pace. The fans screams, my name being shouted, only made this experience more surreal. This is the stuff you dream of, the stuff you work so hard for. This is the stuff that can come crashing down at any moment with just a few simple words. But mine could ruin it all.

I was in love with my best friend.

Now, I know how it seems. It's just feelings, what harm can they do? They can do a lot, especially when you're in the public eye. You make one wrong move, the whole world knows the very next day and you're automatically labeled. I'll be labeled gay, and the reason The Wanted broke up. I don't really want the greatest thing that ever happened to me to end so soon. And it won't. I hope.

Why don't you just wait till the feelings blow over, or find someone new, Nathan? Oh I've tried that. And it failed. I waited a year, they grew stronger. I dated someone else, didn't work because she found out. So, you see, my life is technically over. So is the rest of the band. All because I fell in love.

As we exited the stage and went straight into the dressing room, my eyes were on Jay. He was wet, a mixture of water and sweat making his hair and clothing stick to his skin. He quickly removed his shirt, and my breath caught in my throat. As cheesy as it sounds, he really was beautiful.

"Mate, aren't ya going to change out of your clothes? You're all sweaty!" Tom asked. Why couldn't I look like him? His physique was perfect. The abs, the arms, even his face was better than mine.

"I uh, yeah. Just taking it all in I guess, that was one of the loudest crowds we've had," I replied, which was true. I quickly changed out of my clothes and put on a graphic t-shirt and jeans. I put my shoes on and walked out of the room.

As soon as we got on the tour bus I laid down on the bed, my back facing everyone. It was hard lately, knowing that letting your biggest secret out could ruin the careers of four boys. As I lay there and shut my eyes, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Nath?" Someone said in an all too familiar Nottingham accent. His touch sent shivers up my body. I turned to face him.

"Yeah Bird?" I look at his face, his blue eye filled with concern.

"Everything alright? I'm kind of worried about you, mate. You've been off your rocker lately," He asks, his hand on my thigh. I look at his lips. I wonder what it would be like. Just one kiss. One simple peck. Would that be enough? Could I control myself? "Nath?"

"Oh yeah, I'm fine I just..." I just love you. I couldn't say that. "I just haven't been myself lately. Tired, my voice, and I like someone, but she probably doesn't like me back." That could work.

"What's her name?" Her name? Jay is his name... jay... ja...

"Jane!" I shout. Sounds almost like jay I guess. He smiles at me.

"Have we met her?" Why are you asking all these questions?!

"No. I just met her not too long ago. We talk from time to time." I lie. He just shakes his head.

"I bet she likes you. Don't worry." He smiles. I sigh.

"No you don't." I mumble.

"I don't what?" He looks at me confused. Think fast Nath!

"Don't want to bet that she likes me." I say quickly. "I mean I'm me and she's... perfect."

"How do you figure that?" Jay asked. I chuckle.

"She's got these blue eyes, they're beautiful. Like looking into the sea. She got this hair that I'm dying to run my fingers through. She got this smile, I mean, wow. And those lips, I think about kissing them all the time. And her personality is just as beautiful as she is. Though her sense of humor is a little weird, I mean how can you not love it? She's so caring and sweet and talented. She's a bit of a geek too. But I love it. I love her." I smile as I think about him.

"Sounds like you just explained what Jay would be like as a girl!" Max shouted and laughs. I do my best to try and hide the fact that it was in fact jay I was describing, but as a woman.

"He did not! And stop teasing him! He's heartbroken because Jane doesn't love him back." Jay starting out as fierce, but his voice grew softer towards the end, like he can almost relate to my problem. I smile lightly at him. He smiles back and gets up and changes.

I turn back into my original position and stares at the wall. I know I should be feeling a bit better, but I just don't. I'm afraid. Of what, I don't know. I keep thinking to myself that if I hide them, the feelings will go away, but I know I'm wrong. I have to find a way to get just one night with Jay. Maybe if I get one night, I can push away these feelings, and get on with my life. Then again probably not.

My feelings aren't so new. It all started after Battleground came out. We did some promotion and what not, but one night I saw Jay out of the normal. He's usually partying and talking to women, but that night, he wasn't himself.

"Jay, mate. You alright?" I had asked, noticing the change in his behavior.

"I'm just sick of partying and taking random girls home. I just want to be with someone, who really cares about me, who cares about me. I guess you can't have it all when it comes to fame, huh?" He looks at me and chuckles lightly.

"Well I can't party and I can't drink, so I can't relate to the partying bit, but the rest I can. I'd love to have someone too. But I guess now that we're a bit famous, love doesn't come easy to us," I rubbed his back.

"Why can't you be a woman?" He joked. I pushed him and laughs.

"You wouldn't be my type. So even if I was, I wouldn't be attracted to you," I laugh and he glares playfully at me.

Later that night, when I was supposed to be sleeping, he was all I could think about. All I dreamt about. And when I saw him, I fought back the urge to kiss him. I wanted to stare at him, kiss him, touch him, and even have sex with him. But I knew I couldn't I knew it was wrong but the feelings felt so right. I waited for months for these feelings to disappear. And they didn't. So I went on to dating other people. I tried it, for a bit I was happy, but at night, the guilt came. I was with this girl, who was beautiful, but I didn't care about her like she cared about me. I was in love with someone else. Then, when she found out, boy did she go crazy. She kept it the real reason a secret but told all of her friends something different. So basically, all I can do is wait. But with my luck, the feelings will never go away.