Noël

Positive

I flung my door open and rushed inside. What the actual fuck just happened? One minute we were at each other's throats and the next her tongue was down my throat. "Oh my God, what if she tells Mali, what the fuck am I going to do?" I whispered to myself. Mali is going to hate me, she's never going to want to speak to me again. What about Jordan? That's her best friend, and Jordan's girlfriend? What on earth is going to happen now. The thoughts in my head swirled faster and faster and it was too much for me to take all at once.

I collapsed unto my bed, fervent sobs erupting from somewhere deep within me. What am I doing? How did I even get to this point? Here I was, sitting on a bed, sobbing over a kiss I just shared with the best friend of the woman I loved. Or was I? My sobs became louder because I finally accepted what I had been fighting and what I had been doing everything in my power to repress. I, Noel, was indeed attracted to women. Irrefutably.

I heard a knock on my door and I stifled my sobs to hide my disdain. I hated people seeing me me cry. The knock on the door came again, but this time, more urgent. I wiped my tears and quickly hopped of the bed towards the door. The person on the other side knocked again, just as I opened it hesistantly. Marley stood in the entryway to the door. She looked thoroughly distraught.

"Marley, what's wrong?" I asked, stepping to the side and letting her walk in. She walked over to my bed and flung herself down. "Noel, what am I gonna do?" she asked, fixing her stare to the floor. I waited for her to continue, and explain to me what she was referring to, but when she didn't continue, I felt inclined to ask. "About what?" she didn't answer right away.

I stood there, waiting for her to say something. "Marley?" I asked, starting to get concerned. "She's coming to see me." she said flatly. "Serena?" I asked, clearly confused as if what happened earlier didn't affect the rest of our lives. "No," she paused. "My girl, she's coming here." I stared at her. "To visit?' I pressed on . "No, she's transferring." She put her face in her hands.

I looked confused. "I thought you would be happy about that? I was met by silence. "Do you not love her?" I asked, the weight of it all was too much for either of us. She looked at me, her eyes bloodshot from crying. "She's my world." her words were slow and deliberate. "Why does it feel like you are forcing it, why do the words not feel natural at all?" I sounded quite pissed. "You don't get it, I love her, I do, she's like everything to me, but I'm worried how the dynamics of our relationship have changed, or will change." she confessed. "I mean, what if it doesn't feel the same or what if she is different than I remember, like, where do we start?" She put her head back in her hands.

"Listen, you can't live with a bunch of what if's. You'll just end up with regrets. I mean, she obviously came all the way here because she cares about you and she wants to be near to you and make things work. People don't just transfer after a year of school out of nowhere. And, she probably has the same uncertainties in her own head right now, but she's still coming." I tried to comfort my distraught friend. "Plus, once you guys set eyes on each other, all those fears will melt away and all that would matter is you guys in that moment." I placed my hand on her shoulder. She raised her tear streaked and blotchy face to meet mine. "Thank you," she mouthed before placing her head on my shoulder.

"Sometimes, you can be your biggest obstacle." I concluded as I placed my head on hers in turn. "You make everything sound so easy, that's why I like talking to you. You just, get it, and you know how to make others get it too." We sat there in silence. I listened to her shallow breathing, interrupted by the occasional sob. This is some bullshit! I screamed in my head. Not the fact that Marley was all caught up, but that I really actually had the audacity to sit her and give this poor girl advice I couldn't even follow myself. "Take a chance," I said in my head, mocking my own voice, "Don't live with regrets." Meanwhile, I sit her and ignore the desperate calls of a woman who is in love with me, all because I'm scared to love her back.

I shifted under the uneasy weight in my head. Marley, who was halfway asleep tried to hold me in place with her head in an annoyed protest. I was stuck, in this position, and with my thoughts. "Jordan kissed me." I said softly into the silent space. Marley shot up, looking at me with an amused face. "Threeway with Mali?" she joked. I shot her a dirty look. "Not at all." I chided. "She was telling me about all the problems with her girlfriend and then I was comforting her, one thing led to another and the next thing I knew, she was kissing me, and I was kissing back." I fiddled with my thumbs. "That is so fucking hot." Marley stared at me, her eyes wide with excitement. "You're disgusting." I pushed her away from my body. The proximity was maddening alone.

"Oh, come on give me a break." she shrugged. "You have to stop running from it Noel, you like girls, get the fuck over it." she stared at me in defiance. "What is that supposed to mean?" I got up from where I was seated on my bed defensively. "Chill, hear me out," she put her hands up in front of her. "You clearly are attracted to women and nobody is saying get into a relationship, just explore, have fun, meet people, but stop denying it." she never took her eyes from mine.

I got angry. Not at her, not at Mali, or Mark, but at myself. "How dare you tell me how to live my fucking life?" I screamed. Marley got up from the bed to face me. "Stop trying to make yourself a victim Noel, you're not a fucking victim, you just like pussy!" "Don't tell me what I like and don't like!" "I don't have to, you tell yourself that every night when you catch yourself trying to hide your climax that you brought upon yourself thinking about Mali, you're not fooling anyone Noel, cut the fucking bullshit, you want her, and you want Mark, none of them belong to you, you can't just play with people's lives like this, be upfront with what you want, stop being a fucking baby about it and accept who the fuck you are, there are people dealing with real shit out there right now!" she crossed her arms.

"You know what you can just leave if you're gonna be like that, after all I'm not with anyone, who cares if I get mad, I know they're not mad, but at least I wasn't cheating on a girlfriend I didn't have. You're full of it for thinking you can just come in here and tell me off like this, when I'm trying to help you!" "I'm trying to help you too, help you not get caught the fuck up!" she cut me off. "I'm going through shit right now, I wouldn't expect you to understand, you're fucking 'get it you're way always Marley," I shot back. "You have no fucking idea what I'm going through right now, you have no idea what I'm about to face." her voice cracked as she raised her voice, fresh tears streaming down her face.

"A girlfriend who loves you is barely something you should be afraid of, oh what about certain death, or a lifetime in prison?" I sarcastically asked her turning my back to her, knowing she knew that's what the punishment was for being gay in my culture. "Shut up Noel, everything is always about you, well at least you don't have to tell the woman you love that you got herpes off of a random ass affair with a bitch who didn't mean shit!" 

I felt ice creep through every vein in my body and I froze where I stood. I heard her knees hit the floor as her sobs grew in intensity. "At least your world will still be intact after its all done." her voice strained.