Noël

Looking Forward

I swiftly opened the heavy metal door to exit the building and briskly put my hands in my pockets. The air was crisp and cool, with the wind flicking my curly crown of thick black hair to and fro as I picked up my pace to enter the large grassy breezeway as I made my way from my last final. I let out a long, drawn out sigh of relief as I felt the moist warm air escape my lips. This is the first time I was able to breath since exams had begun two weeks before. I hugged and kissed my goodbyes to passing friends on the way to the front gate knowing I wouldn't be heading back to campus before many of them left. I felt my heart ignite with anticipation. I had to actually hold myself back from breaking into a light jog at the thought of getting to her a few moments sooner. I was on my way to meet Mali at the front gate. It had been a month since I had seen her, and I agreed to meet before I headed home for the holidays.

My inability to contain my excitement took me by surprise. Until this moment, I thought these feelings were dormant. I had alienated myself from Mali, Jordan and everybody else. I needed to take the time to sort my feelings out, if they existed at all. I could see the familiar sleek outline of her car, awaiting in the exact spot we agreed upon. I opened the door quickly and got inside. Her familiar scent immediately filling my nose with the sweetest hints of a citrus like jasmine and vanilla blend. Interesting and distinct, just like her, I caught myself thinking. Our eyes met for the first time in a long time. Her's were large and smoldering, like they were holding back a pressing secret and were dying to tell. She was leaning back towards her side's door, one arm lazily stretch over the wheel, the other by her side, her perfectly manicured fingers tapping slightly. Her hair was pressed and sleek, pulled into a strict ponytail. She was wearing a sultry black romper, her chocolate thighs filling out it shape, and its delicate black lace clinging to her bra-less bronze chest. Her smooth, dark lips curling into a smirk as I closed the door. "Well, look whose on time." I joked, breaking the silence flashing a smile. Her smirk fell and she resumed her forward facing stance, readying to pull off. "I'm never late," she replied shortly.

Its true, she's never been late. Always on time, always on cue, I always joked that her pre-med was showing. We both looked to the left as a swift flash of color from a passing jacket caught our eyes. I noticed Marley in the far side of the parking lot as a small framed and tall girl ran towards her screaming in excitement. They lovingly embraced in a long passionate kiss. The whole time, Marley couldn't take her eyes of the young woman, barely containing her smile and wrapping her in her arms. I smiled as I continued to watch my friend, sending positive energy her way, unsure of where she stood with her girlfriend after their conversation following our fight about two months ago. "Noel?" Mali's suave voice broke my stare. "Are you ready to go?" she raised an eyebrow. "Yea yea, let's go, I'm ready." I said hurriedly fastening my seatbelt. We agreed to go for milkshakes and visit one of her favorite spots, a grassy area with a bridge by a beautiful blue river near the preserve near her house.

She sat facing forward in a very rigid fashion, as if she refused to move. "Ok, let it out Mali, I know you, why put it off?" I asked rolling my eyes and looked out the window. "You know you hurt me," she fired off, not wasting anymore time. "I'm sorry Mali, that was never my intention." "Oh come on Noel, I know you didn't wake up one day and say 'hey. You know what, I'm going to go out there and find the most vulnerable woman I can find and make her fall in love with me and then, I'm going to drop of the face of the earth with no explanation whatsoever and then suddenly call and ask to meet as soon as possible', she said, her eyebrows furrowing in anger. "I know, I fucked up, I could have handled it better." I said shifting my gaze from out the window to my hands. There was another long pause, this one accented by the painful tint of the air. "The least you could do is look at me." she muttered pulling off into the street.

"Mali look, I'm really sorry for how I treated you, it was wrong of me to not be straight forward with what I needed at the time, and abandoning my problems was not the best way of getting what I needed, I was trying to avoid hurting anyone, but mostly myself. "Bullshit, so I was just a problem to you?" she asked flatly as she weaved through traffic to get unto the freeway. "No, that's not what I meant," I turned to her, pleading with my body language. "I meant, I was being selfish even though at the time, I thought I was thinking of everybody else." I struggled to find the words. There was a long pause. "So, I'm an everybody else to you," her words sounded more like a statement, than a question now. I sunk into the chair, feeling my stomach tying into knots, realizing I was unsure of the answer. She glanced my way getting ready to change lanes as she got closer to the exit for her side of town. "No, that's not what I meant either," I said, shakily, unsure of how to proceed.