Exiled|slash

If He is Vexed I Am Repugnant

5

If He is Vexed I Am Repugnant

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July 5th was quite possibly one of the scariest days of my life. It was technically the day after your party but it really was just four in the morning. You were so intoxicated that you were nearly unconscious. I was extremely excited to take you home to be able to have you in my bed and take care of you. Something that would probably never happen if it weren't for your current state.

At the party you were absolutely flawless cheeks flushed and eyes twinkling in the moon light. You had been delighted by being surrounded by so many of your friends and danced on night. But when I got you to my house you became a new being a boy I had never met before.

You weren't the elated secretly cunning boy I had come to know the alcohol had made you sorrowful and resentful, a toxic combination.
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His mind had been in a whirl wind of thoughts and emotions , a constantly moving welter. His thoughts moving too fast and his body too sluggish, he fell sick. Head pounding and heart nearly pulverizing his rib cage. The almost electrical buzz churning inside him and zapping his finger tips. It was almost as if his body was being filled with negative feelings and bad energy.

Sighing, Phoenix continued to watch the boy who held his thoughts. Who held everything in his hands without even knowing. He looked at his overgrown curls that piled softly on his forehead. Above his thick brows that seemed to be in a permanent frown. His eyes flat and lifeless as if he were stuck in a nightmare he couldn't wake up from.

"I'm not nearly as good as you think I am." Jazz said suddenly his voice gruff and shaky, a sound that Phoenix had never heard before. Jazz was always one to think before he spoke, to make sure that if he were to say something it was proper with no stutters or buts. He'd always been like that, one day Phoenix remembered asking him why. Use every word, every breath, as if it were your last. You never know what's good until it's gone was his simple reply. No further explanation was given and it really wasn't needed.

"I'm not strong, I'm not smart, I'm not creative, I'm nothing but lost potential." He eyes ripped away from the glossy wood floors to meet the other boys eyes.

"Phoenix, I'm not like you. I'm not good, I don't have a future. I can't have that life style with three beautiful kids and a amazing wife on the little house on the corner. I can't take them to see grandma grandpa and watch them recite their one line in the play that they had been practicing non stop." Phoenix opened his mouth to interrupt but was stopped short by the shaky raise of the broken boys hand. As if he had to say this like a secret he'd been keeping for years.

"I know what your gonna say, that I'm wrong and that I can be happy. That there's more to life and more to me. But don't tell me that bullshit I know who I am. I know who I am meant to be this is my consequence for being a coward, this is my cross to bare." Phoenix took in a gasp of air, praying, willing himself to not let the tears slip no matter how hard he wanted to. He had a feeling that the other boy wasn't telling him this for his pity. But a cry for help willing him to understand why things must be the way they are.

"I beg you." Jazz reached out and grabbed his hand using both of his to cradle it gently. Jazz glassy green eyes dragged up to meet Phoenixs gaze. Swallow with great Jazz took his trembling hand and brought it to caress the boys cheek.

"I beg you to promise me, that you won't be mad, that you won't be sad. If you were mad at me I don't know what I'd do. I don't know how I'd be but I don't think it be very hard. The boy that I am has to go his time is approaching with rapid haste. But I want you, I need you to remember me as I am now, as jazz, as no one else but me. Don't sugarcoat me don't put me on a pedestal, keep me, me. You're the only one who knows what that looks like." And with that jazz said nothing he simply took Phoenix face and his hands and kissed his forehead. He spoke no more of the issue and Phoenix knew better than to question him.
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I never knew what you meant until it was too late. And even now, I'm still not nearly sure enough
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A.n.
Wow, longest chapter so far! I had so much trouble with this I've never done a flashback and really didn't want to mess it up.
I'm falling asleep so I think I'll post it now even though I haven't even proof read I'll come back to it.
-Kay