Phases

Changing Dreams

When I was younger I was sure of where I was heading, I had this dream career and perfect life imagined.  I would become a teacher, get married, have a family and that's pretty much it.  You see, that was Elementary School me.  Then I grew up faster than I could notice, the years flew like an eagle and then I was 15.  High School me wanted to be a model/actress, be noticed by everyone.  The main reason might be because one of my teachers in 9th grade told me that everyone would forget about me because I was easy to forget but I'm still not entirely sure.  Part of me admires that world.  Stand in front of the camera, be someone I'm not.  But then, reality check.  I couldn't find anything special about myself.  I looked in the mirror countless times and I saw, nothing.  By the time I had to choose a career to study I decided to trust my child instinct and I decided to study education.  

College started and the first semester was great academically speaking but, I became an outcast.  I avoided the contact with new people and well, I had no new friends.  I decided to hide in the library employees kitchen and spent all of my time studying to achieve that dream I had but that didn't make me happy.  By the end of the first semester I was really depressed but I chose to pretend that everything was fine.  Now, don't get me wrong, being a teacher is amazing but being an Education Major, that's the worst thing I've ever experienced.  It's depressing and the professors are always making it harder.  Some even do it on purpose because they "don't see you as a teacher".  I know, I'm not the best student, I juggle college, life issues, health issues, church, and other stuff.  I do the best that I can but that's not enough.

By the end of my second year in college I knew that I made a mistake when I chose this major.  It doesn't make me happy or at least, not at the moment.  I want something else. Everyday I woke up wanting to give up because what I do now is killing me but, should I throw 4 years of my life to the trash? I can't say that being a teacher isn't something I enjoy. I love children and I love teaching, I just hate the excessive pressure us Education Major students have at my university. It's unbearable and unnecessary.

I want to be a writer but I also want to travel the world, learn new things, learn from others.  I'm tired of being judged based on what someone thinks I can or can't do, that's wrong.  I dream of being free, of doing something that inspires me instead of cutting me short and making me feel worthless, useless, stupid.