Fix You

Fixing The Broken Record

The bright red and blue flashing lights only make my headache worse. I'm strapped down and there's people moving me into some sort of vehicle. My mother is by my side crying, crying so hard. My eyes can only open so wide. I feel like there's some sort of weight attached to them. I decide to just relax and loosen up. There's an oxygen tank hooked up to my mouth, helping me breathe. Soon enough, the doors of what I'm guessing is an amublence slam shut and we start moving. 

I don't really remember what happened. All I remember is feeling really sad and wanting my life to end. I tried to committ suicide. I must have stabbed myself, I feel a sharp pain in my side. I peer down to where the pain is coming from and there's a bunch of red pooling out on the white sheet that's wrapped around me. 

About 15 minutes later, we arrive at the hopsital and I'm transported into the emergency room. The doctor strips me of the white sheet and my blood-stained shirt, leaving me in only my bra. I feel too exposed in front of all these strangers. But right now, I'm too tired to care. I shut my eyes once more, wishing to just be asleep. I start to feel very relaxed, almost peaceful. I hear the doctors around me saying things like, we're losing her, we need to start shocking her. All of a sudden, all of the weight is lifted off of me. 

I don't feel any pain anymore, I feel healthy and happy. Not like my usual depressed self. I look down and see myself lying down in the hospital bed, trying to be resurrected by all of the emergency room staff. I laugh at them. Don't they know I don't want that? I'm finally free of all the sadness and pain. Something makes me turn around, and I see my nanny dressed in her famous cream coloured nightgown. She comes towards me and takes my hand. 

"Sydney, sweetie. Why are you here?" She asks sadly.

"Nanny, I'm free. I'm not depressed anymore. I'm finally happy." I answer her.

"Darling, it's not your time yet. Think about your mom. She is heartbroken. As happy as I am to see you again, I'll let you know, you have a long time left before you're supposed to be with me again.  Please, return back to your body. Live the rest of your life. This isn't supposed to happen. You're not ready dear. I love you, Sydney. I'll keep watch over you and your mother." My nanny tells me and kisses my forehead. I stare back at her and then glance below me. 

I sigh, "Goodbye nanny. I love you."

                                                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Honey, please. Can you hear me? If you can..... If you can hear me, please, move your head, mumble. Anything. Honey please." I hear from my left side. My mom. She's sobbing and rubbing my hand with her thumb.

I make a low sound to let her know I'm here. As much as I really don't want to be.

She stops her crying and gasps. I feel her lips press against my hand, along with a few tears. "Oh, Sydney. Thank God. I thought you weren't gonna come back. Oh God."

I would open my eyes, but I don't have the strength. Somewhere in the room, the doctor enters. 

"Ma'am. Is everything ok?" His deep voice asks. He seems concerned.

My mother releases my hand to stroke my hair, "She's alive, Doctor Harris, she's here." She quietly, but excitedly replies to the doctor.

"Oh, that's very good news, but I need to have you step out for a minute. Just so we can check her stats and make sure she has new bandages."

I assume my mother leaves because shortly after the doctor spoke, the door clicked shut.

Dr. Harris gave all the E.R. nurses instructions to check my vital signs and heartbeat while he came around and turned me onto my side slightly. The sting of the bandages being ripped off was absent, it was being replaced by my still apparent headache. I needed some Tylenol, something to soothe this pounding in my head. Once the room went silent, I slowly lifted my hand up and touched the spot on my head that hurt the most. 

Something was sticky where I had touched. It was also slightly warm... To inspect more, I brought my hand down to my face. Blood. I must have stabbed myself and then hit my head on something. I groaned in frustration. How could I still be alive? I don't want to be and it's almost impossible that I am. From the looks of it, I've lost a lot of blood.

"Oh, hello dear. I'm just here to re-check your stats," The polite, small nurse smiled, "Can I get you any food, drinks... Need to use the restroom?" She offered.

Coincidentally, my stomach growled, "Uhm, could I have maybe something to eat?"

A menu was placed in my hands. "Choose anything you'd like and then press this button right here to order." The nurse pointed to a small red button located on the side of my bed. This hospital is actually pretty nice. Room service, fancy decorations, very friendly staff. I could stay here for a while...

After I ordered, I took a short nap because I felt so drained from all of this... chaos. Then, I was woken up by the nice lady from earlier handing me my cookies and milk. Not the healthiest, but I don't really care about my health at the moment. 

"Sydney, would you be ok if your mother came in and visited? She's been waiting patiently for the past few hours to see you." Cindy, the Nurse, smiled.

I simply nodded my head, unable to speak because my mouth was filled with delicious cookie.

My mother threw the door open and I jumped. She's way too happy. Her high heels clicked against the hard floor as she made her way over to me. "Darling. Oh I'm so glad you're ok. We need to talk though, Honey." She frowned a bit. Oh yay. Just what I need. Another lecture about how I should be happy with who I am and the life I'm living. She'll probably tell me that if I try to do this again, I will end up losing my life because I've lost so much strength and blood already. 

But what comes out of her mouth shocks me, "Sydney. You've done this countless times before. Not the same way, you know, but with pills, knives, trying to hang yourself-" Her voice caught, "So, to make you healthy again, I'm sending you off to a rehabilitation centre for teens and young adults who are suicidal. You may not like this idea, but Syd, it's all I can think to do now. I just don't understand why you keep doing this... Not only is it hurting you, but it's hurting me. Have I done something wrong as a parent? Have I not given you things that you wanted? I mean really Sydney. What more could you possibly want?" I started to feel annoyed at the fact that she was getting angry with me for being unhappy. 

Parents are supposed to support you during your best and worst times. Not throw you under the bus for feeling a certain way. I couldn't hold myself back, "I can't believe you're being so selfish Mother. Really. Ok, yeah, I had a good - no, great - childhood. But I've changed, things have happened. My heart can only hold so much pain before finally it shatters into a million sharp little pieces that stab into me. The place that my heart once was, it's now just a cold stone. I don't feel happiness or love anymore. All I experience is sadness, loneliness, and bitterness." I paused to think about what I was going to say next. "I still love all of my family and my only best friend. But everyone else around me is so... hateful, judgemental. They think it's a joke. Well it's not, obviously."

I huffed and turned my head away from her. I couldn't show her I was crying, I had to be strong, for myself. "I'll go to your damn rehab. But I won't like it. At all. Now please, I need to rest. I'll have you in when I'm awake."

My mother for once was speechless. She had no remarks about what I just expressed. She rose up off the bed, straightened out her skirt, and tip toed out of the room. I could actually feel the heaviness lift. I can't believe I have to go to rehab. I thought that was only for druggies and alcoholics. Not teenagers who really just wanted to be taken away from their terrible lives.