And When That Light Goes Out AOT

3

I felt overwhelming cold and a pressure on my chest that made my head feel thick, then I heard muffled voices from every angle around my head. My lungs started burning, a fire that went up my esophagus, into my throat, and singed my sinuses so much that my eyes watered. The voices got louder and more frenzied and the pressure on my chest faded, but an overwhelming exhaustion gripped my body and I felt myself slip into the darkness again.

I heard voices again, but this time, they were different. The acoustics were different. The voices closest to me echoed slightly and there were faint voices that, I assumed, were originating outside of wherever I was. There was a lot of beeping, too. I noticed that it sped up when I inhaled deeply and held my breath until I coughed, and it was then that I opened my eyes.

When the only thing that I saw was white, the first fairly stupid thought that ran through my head was Am I in heaven?, then I thought about it for a moment and decided that if a heaven did indeed exist, it sure as hell wouldn't have been my destination. Where exactly was I, then? "Eren...? Are you awake?" Mikasa's voice hit me like a slap in the face and I felt a strange pang of dread in my chest.

"Yeah." I coughed hard and grimaced. My throat was killing me. "Where am I? What happened?"

"Oh my God, Eren. I'm so glad you're alright," she uttered breathlessly and held me painfully close to her chest, "If you ever do something like this again I will kill you with my own two hands."

"Mikasa, I can't breathe-" I gasped and she let go of me with a sad smile. "Do something like what? Seriously, where am I?"

She sighed heavily and ran her fingers through my hair silently, as though she was contemplating what she should tell me. I studied her face and noticed dark bags beneath her eyes that were even more pronounced because of how pale she had become. It looked like she hadn't slept for days. "You're in the hospital. Do you remember anything at all?" Her hand pressed into mine and it was shockingly bony; she hadn't eaten either.

Did I remember anything? I closed my eyes and furrowed my brows, trying to think back to the last memory I had. Cold. Dark. Wet. Rain? Driving... Why was I driving? "Mikasa, why was I driving...?" I caught her eyes with my own and recoiled at the familiar abundance of pain I saw. I had been driving because of her, because of me. They were dead. "Oh... Oh my God."

Mikasa lowered her head and wordlessly gripped my hand tighter within her own. The last thing that I properly remembered was getting out of my car, everything from that point on was a jumble of voices and sensations that I couldn't interpret. What did I do to end up here? I was scared to ask. "M-Mikasa. What did I do? Please tell me what you know. The last thing I remember is getting out of the car. How did I end up here?"

She bit her lip hard and let out a sigh as she rubbed her thumb up and down the back of my hand. "I don't know exactly what happened from the time that you left the house until you called me," I called her? "but what I do know is that you... You jumped." My heart skipped a beat and I swallowed hard. "Someone managed to see you and called an ambulance and got on the phone with me from your phone. I don't know how you survived, but you did. I guess it was raining so hard that the water level rose and when you jumped it was close enough to you that you didn't suffer any fatal injuries. I don't know if someone jumped in to get you or if the current took you to the bank, but when I got there they were already resuscitating you." Her voice cracked in the middle of "resuscitating" and she stopped and squeezed my hand. A single tear rolled down her cheek and my heart sank. "You were unconscious for three days." The next thing she said was nothing more than a whisper, "You tried to kill yourself."

My head spun. Even though I still couldn't remember everything, I knew that she was right.

Why was there an area deep in my mind that was disappointed that I hadn't succeeded? That was enraged that I couldn't even properly kill myself?