And When That Light Goes Out AOT

7

I didn't sleep at all that night.

Nothing made sense anymore. Nothing made sense in the first place.

My day had begun with Levi's taste in my mouth and it had ended with news that he had requested to switch rooms. He had requested it; it wasn't a decision made by the staff. He hadn't even told me himself. What was I supposed to think? I didn't know if he was tired of me, if he hated me, if he was angry that I let him kiss me, or that I let him walk in on me trying to kill myself. It was just another issue Levi that was a fucking mystery to me.

The night was spent staring at the ceiling like I had done so many times before. The only difference was the deafening silence that resulted from the absence of Levi's breathing. My heartbeat was almost deafening and the circumstances made my chest hurt.

I needed to talk to Armin. At this point, he was the only person that I could talk to. He had noticed that I was bothered when nobody else had, so it would've only been a matter of time before he'd approach me about this anyway.

This was the longest night I'd had to date.

I was dressed before they formally woke us up, and I was the first out of the bedrooms. I told myself it was because I wanted to talk to Armin as soon as possible, but I knew that I had ulterior motives. I wanted to know what room Levi was in and I selfishly hoped that he would emerge looking like his night had been as hellish as mine had been. I wanted to believe that he had spent his sleepless night staring at the ceiling, missing the steady breathing of the fucking brat that constantly worked on his nerves.

Armin and Levi emerged from their rooms at the same time and I used that to my advantage. Levi was walking four or five steps in front of Armin, so I started toward Armin, passing Levi in the process. He looked the same way he always looked: vaguely irritated that he was awake this early in the morning, tired, and otherwise expressionless. We made eye contact for a split second and I looked away. He didn't make an effort to stop me or talk to me. We passed each other without a word.

I held back a sigh and approached Armin, fully aware that I couldn't completely hide my disappointment. "Hey, Armin. Want to sit with me during breakfast? I've got some stuff to talk to you about regarding last night."

It only took a moment for him to look at my expression before he nodded sagely. "Yeah, of course. I was planning on it anyway, actually."

We grabbed our trays and after I gave Sasha half of my toast, I followed him to the side of the cafeteria opposite of where Levi sat.

"Okay, Eren. What happened? You look terrible."

"I didn't sleep at all last night."

"Did he keep you up?"

"Not in the way that you'd think."

He looked puzzled and I leaned over the table, holding my head in my hands. "Don't repeat ANY of this to anybody. Okay?"

"Of course, Eren. I told you I wouldn't."

I sighed and started from the beginning, talking about my first impression of him, the way he showed me around the ward, when he woke me up and stayed up with me when I had the nightmare. The way our awkward silences became slightly more comfortable. How he sat with me every day without me needing to ask, even though he didn't necessarily speak to me while he did it. When it finally came time for me to explain my suicide attempt, I crossed my arms on the table and buried my head in them.

"Two days ago I got really triggered during group. It didn't get any better as the day went on and I ended up in a really bad state of mind. I don't know if you knew this but I'm in here for attempted suicide," he bit his lip and nodded, "so I ended up feeling the same way I did that night. I kinda lost control and... Ugh." I rubbed my neck impulsively and he put a supportive hand on my back. "I tried to kill myself with my shirt and the bed and it was just a bad situation. He ended up walking in on it and the next thing I knew I was in his arms and he sounded so scared. I think he may have been shaking, but at that point I was half conscious." I raised my head and watched Levi sip his tea, then looked back at Armin with a frown. "I'll never forget the look on his face when he opened the door, Armin. It reminded me of Mikasa, something about it reminded me of Mikasa."