Infinite

~twenty~

d o _ y o u _ w a n t _ t o _ k n o w _ w h y _ i _ a m _ s o _ m e s s e d _ u p ?

Here's why...

At the age of seven I witnessed somewhat rape. Luckily, it didn't happen to me. Nor did I rape her. Yet I still feel guilty, I didn't stop it. I just sat there, clueless. So stupid, so confused, so shocked. All I knew was that she was 'playing' with her. Three girls, one that was six, one that was five, and one that was seven. I was the seven year old, it was my room. The six year old had gotten raped when she was little. She thought it would be fun. I just sat there, I didn't want to be part of it. They were there, in MY bed, in MY room, in MY home., and under MY blankets. She did things to her, that poor five year old girl. I bet she remembers it, she's always scared when I see her. I was the oldest, I should have protected her. I should have helped. I should have saved her. The six year old said that it was a game she used to play with her dad. She touched her, she did things to her. She really touched her, in places that shouldn't be touched.  I don't know if she knew what she was doing. I had no clue at the time what it was. That poor child, that was my fault. Now I'm just overprotective, and that's why. Anytime someone gets near me I put my arms up in a fighting stance. If you know me, you know that it is true. If I'm your friend, I get pissed when someone touches you. I over react when someone touches me. I cry a lot, usually when I think about her. IT WAS MY FAULT. I LET IT HAPPEN TO HER. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME.

Yet I just,

s a t t h e r e .

That's why now you may think I have a dirty mind. You may look at me in disgust when you find out I know all about sexual things. That's the reason, THAT IS THE FUCKING REASON. I DON'T WATCH PORN, I AM NOT A SLUT, I DON'T KNOW THIS STUFF SO THAT I CAN HAVE SEX.

i know it because i am scared...

i am scared someone will touch me.

i am scared someone will figure me out.

i need to be prepared, i don't want to let anyone else get hurt because of me.

so, if you think that i am screwed up then you're right.

i am a screwed up mistake.

that just wants to be loved.

so you can't love me if you're scared of me.

s
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-This is all true, sincerely, D.K. (Ashley Wood)