Always On My Mind

Way Down

April 2015

Dean didn't hesitate, he just climbed back in to the Impala without even hanging up on the doctor. He shoved his phone into his jacket pocket and drove. The journey to the hospital was nerve wracking and Dean felt terrible. This is my fault he thought to himself, something has happened to Jimmy and it's all my fault. Dean's mind was swirling with what if's? What if he had just stayed and heard Jimmy out? What if he hadn't lost his temper? What if he had had his phone?

What if Jimmy-

What if-

~

His head was pounding and the guilt had wrapped itself around his chest. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel and focused as best he could on the road ahead. The drive felt as though it was taking hours; Dean's anxiety like an itch he just couldn't scratch beneath his skin. It was surging through him, bubbling up in his throat until he could hardly stand it. He shook his head and blinked his eyes, clearing his vision, he knew he had to be strong for Jimmy. No matter what.

All Dean had heard Doctor Braeden say was that James was in bad shape. He'd been hit by a car going sixty and was still in surgery-fighting for his life. She'd told him that they would be able to tell him more once he got to the hospital and that he should come immediately. Despite her sympathetic and soothing tone as she told Dean she would do everything she could, Dean didn't feel particularly reassured.

After all, words were just empty promises. He'd been encouraged to pray if he felt the need and Dean had immediately scoffed. He didn't believe in God before but there and then, driving to the hospital, his faith was at an all time low. How could he put trust in a God who was taking away the only angel he had ever known. His mother used to tell him when he was a kid that angels were watching over him and he couldn't help but silently beg that they were watching over Jimmy now. It wasn't fair. That man deserved so much better and hell, if anyone deserved to be lying on the table it was Dean. He just kept telling himself that he had caused all this and maybe if he hadn't been such a stubborn asshole and talked about his feelings Jimmy would be in the passenger seat instead of a hospital bed.

If anything was going to calm Dean down it would be guarantees, facts, seeing for himself exactly what was going on. He drummed his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel as he waited behind a truck for the light to switch to green.

"Fuck." He cursed and ran a hand through his hair.

To add to his already perfectly fucked up day, the heavens opened and the downpour blurred the world around him. The taillights of the truck in front sparkled red against the blanket of water droplets. Dean groaned and reversed the Impala so that he could pull round to the side of the beat up truck; traffic lights still on red.

At that moment Dean didn't care if he got a ticket or if someone called the police. Right now his priority was Jimmy and he just had to get to him. He pulled across the intersection, ignoring the horns and angry screams of other drivers, focused only on making it to the hospital. As he pulled on to the hospital grounds he felt his heart race. Goddammit Dean of all the shitty fucking things you've done this is by far the worst.

There was the familiar feeling of guilt once again; tightening his throat and making it damn near impossible to breathe. Dean swallowed forcefully trying to shift the lump forming.

He parked the car in the lot and bolted inside the hospital, not stopping to let his own anxieties surrounding hospitals cripple him. Now was not the time for a stroll down memory lane. Instead he ran to the reception.

"Dean...Winchester...Here for...James Novak." He said through heavy breaths, his heart beating at breakneck speed.

The woman on the other side of the glass looked up at him with tired eyes over the rim of her glasses and pushed a few keys on her computer. He tried to calm himself down by following the lines of this woman's glasses with his eyes, his breathing steadying slightly.