Kill It With Skillet

Crying...

I hate this so much. Why did I ever do this to my body and myself? Because you're a fat cow. You shouldn't be eating now should you. Healthy means fat. It means gaining weight and that means no more cute clothes, and as if you could get a boyfriend.

"Jen... I can't.. I can't breathe..." I say going into a panic attack.

"Madison focus on me. Breathe in, breathe out. Listen to my voice. Breathe in, Breathe out. I'm awake, I'm alive. Now I know what I believe inside.Now It's my time. I'll do what I want cause this is my life." Jen said as she sang part of a song.

While she was singing, I managed to calm down. "Jen thank you so much. I believe God put you in my life right now for a reason. I'm ready to go back if you are." I say to her.

As if she honestly cares. This is good publicity for her career.

We started to walk back to the table. By then 20 minutes had passed and the others were getting a little worried. When Korey sees us, she lets out a sigh of relief.

Look there's cars coming on that busy street. Maybe one of them is how you're supposed to try. You never know if you don't try b*****.

As we are walking back, I stop for a second after hearing what the voice in my head said. I looked over to the road to see if that was the truth, and it was. There are cars and that is a busy street. Jen grabs my hand and pulls me along back to the tables.

"Where did you go just then?" John asks concernedly.

"Well the voice told me that there was a busy street with a lot of cars. I stopped to see if it was true, which it was. Then I guess I zoned out. I can't really remember anything after that until Jen .pulled me back to the table." I reply.

"Were you gonna run out there or something?"

"Honestly I don't even know. I don't know what happened then. Let's just finish eating and stuff."

Right like you should be eating. Please do. I can't wait to see how fat you get you cow.

Right then I almost start to cry again. What do I do? Eating is still new and really hard. Do I keep eating?

"Madison, if you don't want to eat anything else right now we can get it to go. Then we can hang in the bus. Do you want to do that?" Korey asks me.

"I would like that very much." I answer her.

Korey and I walk to the bus. When we get on the bus and sit down, I just start crying.

"Madison what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Korey concernedly asked.

"It's just everything. I can't even sit down and eat without wanting to cry and without the voices. They never stop and they're always tempting and triggering me. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and keep going  but it's so difficult. And I'm just.. I'm just sorry that you guys are having to deal with me when you shouldn't have to. I know that I'm a burden." I answer back trying to keep from crying.

Aw poor girl. Yeah right. More like poor society for having to deal with you being you pig. You should go to the restroom and shove your finger down your throat. You'll feel better.

"You are nowhere close to being a burden, you are such a beautiful young lady. Those voices are from the devil, not God. Please try your hardest to fight them. I would hate for something to happen to you."

After Korey said this, the rest of the crew came from eating. Jen came on first and just hugged me. "I love you ok? Please don't do anything." She told me.

"Madison, I'd love for you to meet and spend some time with my friend Lacey. I think you could benefit from it. Would you be up for that? She's going to be at the show tonight and in town the next day like us." Korey implied.

"Umm well I guess that I can. As long as you don't think I'd be bugging her. I'd hate to do that."I tell Korey.

"Cool, I'll text her right now."

"Alright." Let's see how this goes. I think to myself.

"What would you want to do?"

"Anything that does not involve food."

Korey texts Lacey and that becomes a plan