Dear Diary,
It took me whole day to decide which memory I should write down as first. There are so many happy memories I want to see as first, but I decided one that I share with my brothers. It is my first memory.
Memory from when I was created.
I wasn't exacly an importnant angel. I was created to be raised, trained and then watch over planets my Father had created. Back then, Garrison wasn't existing, because there were no demons to fight. Lucifer, or Samael, as he was called back then, was still angel. Most beautiful angel that was in Heaven. I remember Michael being slightly jealous, me seeing it on his face I looked up to. He wouldn't ever admit it, but I didn't understood that emotion back then.
But that is not part of that memory.
As I have been writing, diary, I wasn't awaited angel. So not much of angels have been around. All archangels were there, Balthazar and Zachariach as well.
I clearly remember as I opened my eyes and Gabriel's smile was first thing I saw. Maybe that was reason we have created such a strong bond. Because he was the first angel I have seen, and that kindness that his eyes held. After many more angels have been created, he never looked at them with calmness as Michael and Raphael or too strong joy as Balthazar. He simply always smiled and welcome angel into our widening family. I always found this strange, how calm he could act around newcreated fledlings, but a older as I got, he was more freeminded, telling his oponions to us, and Lucifer.
As Gabriel leaned away, I had view at Lucifer. I suppose Michael had been holding me, since I do not remember his first look at me. Lucifer stared at me with curious eyes, his wings calmly folded. I liked that white colour with glow of all colours. It was warm. Welcoming. Lucifer stepped closer and I stared at him, I could remember my wings tense and grip on me as well. Lucifer stopped and inhaled calmly. From behind him, Balthazar, who had been just few hundred years older, pushed foward to see me.
His eyes were blown wide, his wings spread wide. It caused Lucifer to smile and that smile lulled my fear.
"He looks...dark" I remember Balthazar stating and Gabriel nudge him.
"This one is just like others Balthazar. Even trough...father had never created black winged angel" I heard low voice and Raphael stepped into view. All archangels looked so older from Balthazar, yet Balthazar didn't seem slightest bothered by their appearance.
Raphael had been cold ever since I laid my eyes on him. I do not know if it had been my appearance or me at all, but I felt like he didn't liked me very much.
Zachariach, slighly older then Balthazar, showed up by his side, equal curious but less at showing it.
"Didn't Father had made a mistake?" Zachariach looked up at Michael I couldn't see but grip on me had tensed.
"He created Castiel just the way he was supposed to be"
Those words make me guilty every moment I think about them. Because I had helped Sam and Dean get Michael into Cage. And even if it wasn't same Michael like back then, he was still my brother. But those are things I learned. Bigger good. One thing I believed in and it turned on me bad way.
But this is my memory on how I joined Heaven.
Dean said he doesn't believe me I can remember that, but I can. Every angel can.
I always thought how Michael's arrival was. There was only Father there? Was he alone? Those thoughs never seem to leave me. Maybe that was my way of being different. Every angel had said I was different.
I didn't knew if I should be ashamed or proud. But at the end, I think I ended up being proud. I mean, being different was what made Dean think differently of me.
-C
