thirteen
I caught up with Ashton in Cardiff. The 1975 took him on tour while I was forced on tour with Luke. That sounds kind of mean, I don't hate it, I just wish I liked it a bit more.
I wish Luke liked me a bit more.
Ashton pulled me into a hug and he didn't let go for a solid five minutes. He was truly happy and that made me happy. All of his hopes and dreams are finally coming true. He's on tour, he has 30k Instagram followers, everything is alright.
We used to have sleepovers every Friday night in high school. It was a tradition—we'd go out to dinner then sleepover at one of our houses. During those nights, we'd lay in bed and question life. Ashton wasn't sure if everything was going to work out for him. He wasn't sure if he was ever going to feel 100 percent okay.
Seeing him with the biggest grin on his face makes me happy. It makes me more than happy. Ecstatic. Joyful. Cheerful. Gleeful. Carefree, untroubled, delighted. But, happy works fine too.
It was Friday night, he and I sat across from each other in a booth of some restaurant. It was like the good old days. We probably had a sleepover on this exact night five years ago.
Ashton was telling a story and I wasn't listening. I was a brick wall to him, but a nice, cuddly brick wall. He could talk for hours, and I would listen for hours. It was how our dynamic worked.
He looked sleep deprived: everyone was sleep deprived, though. His sweater was baggy on his once toned shoulders and part of me worried he wasn't eating enough. Was he drinking enough water? Was he sleeping enough? Was he feeling alright?
I don't blame him for not wanting to workout on tour, but I don't want him to fall into a pit of despair because of it.
"Is your boy still giving you a hard time?"
I zoned back in as Ashton asked a question. "Kind of, it's weird."
He looked up at me, obviously trying to read my mind. He knew more about me than I would ever be able to know about myself. "Did you get with him?" Ashton wanted a story from me, he was going to force me to talk if I liked it or not.
"No!" I responded, offended he'd think that. Embarrassed it hasn't happened. "Well, kind of."
"You need to give me answers." He took another bite of his vegetarian hamburger, not taking his eyes off of me. Ashton was the type to let nothing go. He was staying at my room tonight, which meant I wasn't going to get a break from him. (Not that I'd ever want a break from him).
"Don't repeat any of this, alright? Like, I'm not supposed to write about this." I watched him nod, trusting him to stay quiet. "Luke gets drunk, like, every night. He's a heavy drinker and he's a horny drinker."
"That's always fun."
"And, like, he's trying to get with me like that, but I don't know what it means."
"Is he gay?"
"Not that I know of." I sighed, resting my head in my hand. "I'm not attracted to him, but at the same time I'm extremely attracted to him. Like, I want to punch him in the face but also ride him into obliviation."
Ashton laughed, "That's what you've been like with every guy you've ever been with, though." He reached over the table, grabbing some french fries off my plate. I moved it closer to him, letting him finish my dinner for me.
I didn't want to admit that he was right, but he was right. I fall in love at least ten times a day. I'm always in love, I'm always in love, I'm always in love. I'm so filled with love.
I don't know the difference between love and affection. I don't know if I want to make Luke feel good about himself or if I want to love everything about him.
We headed back to the hotel an hour or so later. We needed to bond some more before he went to Asia and I went to Australia. Our two lives were quite the adventure. He and I should write a book one day. His photos, my writing, it'd be nice.
I jumped onto my bed first, him quick to follow and tackle me into a cuddle. It felt good to be in his arms, like a little touch of home.
I didn't really think of Ashton as a brother, I would never want to travel the world with my brother. I thought of him as the best friend any human could ever have—which is exactly what he is.
We sat in my hotel bed, watching Arrested Development until we both fell asleep underneath the same hotel roof, the same city, the same country, the same sky.
The alarm on his phone went off around 8:30am. He had a bus to get to, and I had writing to catch up on.
He rolled out of my bed, still in my pair of sweats. "Can I keep these?" He asked, rubbing at his eyes. Ashton felt over the nightstand—knocking over my phone, a water bottle, and my retainer—for his glasses.
I lifted my head from my pillow, trying to accept that I actually had to wake up. "They're like seven bucks from H&M."
"Is that a yes?" He started to walk backwards, still unable to find his glasses.
"I guess so." I watched him back into a coffee table, tripping and hitting his chin on the side of the wall. "Are you bleeding?"
"Probably." He laid on the ground, too tired to move. "If I lay here, if I just lay here, will you lie with me?"
I stood up from bed, letting the sheets fall to the ground. "It's too early to deal with your Snow Patrol shit, Ashton." I threw on a sweater, slipping on my Vans from the previous night.
I tried to keep most of my stuff packed up due to the constant traveling.
He got up from the ground, gathering everything he brought. "Walk me down? I don't want to say goodbye yet."
I wrapped my elbow with his as we lead each other out the door. "It's not a goodbye," I would always say, "Just a see you later." I walked him down to the lobby, neither of us saying a word.
I met the dudes in the band he was touring with, all of them looking more hungover than the last.
It was close to 9:30 by the time bus rolled away. I stood outside until they were all out of view. Ashton meant the world to me, he means the universe to me, he means all the stars and the moons in our entire galaxy to me.
Luke was sitting on a bright orange couch in the middle of the lobby. He was watching me and I was watching him and it was kind of odd.
I walked over to him, his eyes watching my every move. "Are you alright?" I asked, still standing in front of him.
"Hiding from Alex."
I smiled and shook my head. "You're insane."
He shrugged. "It's all a game to me—see how pissed off I can make him." He looked down at his hands before opening his mouth once more, "Who was that guy?"
I looked behind me as if Ashton were to appear once more. "Childhood friend."
Luke slid his lower lip underneath his teeth. "That was a pretty big hickey on his jaw for just a friend."
I laughed, the opposite of Luke's current state. "He ran into the wall. Have you really been sitting here that long?"
"That's what they all say." Luke breathed out a sigh, "And, yeah. I'm waiting for him to find me. Hide-and-seek extreme without a happy ending."
I held out my hand, "Let's go back upstairs. Stop giving Alex a heart attack."
He looked at my hands, probably judging them, before grabbing my fingers. Luke stood up to his full few inches taller than me. He put a hand on the small of my back as if it was his turn to lead me somewhere. "I like making a game out of life," he said.
I lowkey wanna make a spin off about Ashton.
Thoughts on Mike/Ashton reconnection?
Luke hiding from life?
Is life a game?
