There was daylight, but not enough. There was warmth, but nowhere near as much as there should be. There was so many things that were a concern but now are a threat. A threat to me, my world, to the one I love and care so much more about than any other. The threat is in my head, in my house, living with me and torturing me day after day and making everyone's lives harder and worse than they could possibly be. The threat is my own flesh and blood and the threat wants to see me destroyed.
Every thought of darkness and sadness, every little shred of pain I had, every thing I ever hated and refused to accept, it's all been dumped on me and this threat is tearing my life apart. My own family, the only people I rely on because there's no one out here.
Peter is the only one I can trust now, if no one else is going to cooperate or listen to me or even give me a shred of respect. I feel emotionally drained and dragged down by to the deepest depths of my heart by my own brother. The sibling I grew up with, and have known all my life and whom I thought I could look up to and trust even with the most sensitive information. It's all changed now and I'm thinking of every possible way to handle this; run away, truly talk to him and try to make him understand, I could drive him away, I don't even know what the hell Mick thinks about the entire fuckin' situation.
My heart will be aching without this band, and everyone in it no matter what happens between us, but this is far more serious than anyone realizes. I've screwed everything up by falling in love with my best friend and I'm being punished for it which feels all so wrong. It's so hard to live in happiness and keep your mates happy and making sure everyone's okay from time to time.
I've made decisions that have majorly affected the four of us as a band, as brothers in a music family, and my love life has been up and down, but these all can't possibly be entirely my fault, I'm only one person, there's got to be a problem elsewhere because I am only being myself.
For weeks no one spoke a word to each other, not even sure if a glance was even given. The vibes were cold and angry, so much negativity and fear. Living within the household for the longest time became very uncomfortable and nearly unbearable to keep coming back to. It almost wasn't worth it. We all were unbelievably stoned or drunk to even pass each other in the hall or kitchen or porch or bloody anywhere.
How we were living was just plain absurd and it was getting real old real fast so one afternoon I decided it was enough and I had dug out my suitcase from the basement since the last time we used them was on a trip to the countryside which is where we are now, so years ago. It became strange to think about how long we've been living out here on our own, gardening and farming by ourselves to keep afloat away from society.
I needed get away, just for a little while, even if it means leaving the one I love so much behind, that idea finally came across my mind and hasn't left. I had told no one about how I feel, not even Pete, though the late night comfort conversations seemed to be getting deeper and deeper in context.
I didn't even know what time it was when I tossed the travel case and watched the undone flap fly open with the speed that hit the bed. I couldn't help myself and I just stood there, staring at the empty case, wondering if I should still have the goal of filling it. A faint flash of light caught my attention and I turned my head instantly to the window above the desk, observing the sad, grey clouds. I heard footsteps at that moment coming from the hallway and I didn't move from my fixed gaze, I figured whoever was gonna find me might as well find me like this, it didn't matter anymore.
What felt like not even seconds later, I felt a hand tenderly touched my back. Then the rest of a body appeared to my senses, resting their head on top of mine and their arms now wrapped around me. My body responds positively to the familiar feeling I get when my love greets me with such compassion. His large warm hands cupped over mine as he swayed us gently from side to side, not wanting me to do anything but surrender.
"Where are you taking off to, hon?" he whispered, and I slowly transition myself to face him and without making eye contact, I place my head upon his chest, and he continued to sway.
I let out a heavy sigh before replying and said that I wasn't going anywhere, and that's when he picked my head up with his big, soft hand under my chin and forced my eyes to his. Nothing but tears came rushing to the feelings I was about to spill all over the place.
My voice was soft and breaking, "I... I'm so sorry, Pete, I ha-" and I was stopped by a thumb pressed against my lips.
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhh shhh shhh shhh, it's all right. I'm here, love," he said softly, his hand now stroking my hair, "everything'll be all right, we'll find a way to make this work I promise you." His words sounded so assuring and comforting, yet I still had a dreadful sinking feeling in my stomach. We stand entwined, slowly rocking from side to side, nothing but tears falling from my chin and I raise my sleeve to my nose as I sniffle, trying to hide my mess of a face.
Pete broke us apart then held my shoulders and I could feel his eyes racing over me, but I let my hair hang in my face and get caught in the tear tracks on my cheeks. I felt his forehead lightly touch mine and his hands cupped my temples, then fingers started pulling the strands of damp hair away from my eyes.
"Hey," his quiet breath is warm against my skin, "I won't let anything happen to us, you know that?" I remained silent, not knowing if replying would ruin the moment.
"Look at me, David. Do you know that?" he asked, this time pulling his head back a little to make sure our eyes meet. I felt embarrassed and ashamed because I was a sobbing mess over something so delicate to me, and I wondered if it affected him in a different way.
"Yes," I respond with a shaky voice, "I trust you, and I love you more than anything in this world, no matter what. But what about my family?"
