13 And Pregnant

fear

"Your daughter got through surgery, they are cleaning her up now...we will know more within the next 24 hrs..."

Before I could even speak to ask "when do I get to see her..." he was gone... I was about to flip out and hunt that asshole of a Doctor down to get more information... When...

I saw an incubator came rolling my way... My heart filled with joy as I saw it was my daughter. She looked sleepy and had a huge bandage with a tube coming out of her head... The nurse looked at me and smiled as she said, "follow me, we are going to get her set back up in the nursery!" As I followed her into the nursery my heart dropped...

I was shocked... There were so many other babies sick, weak, close to death! I felt guilty for thinking even for a split second, "(wow, I'm glad my daughters going through that.)" Then I felt sick cause I was thinking, "( what about those families, what could they be thinking or feeling right now, waiting but not wanting that dreaded phone call that their child didn't make it)"

I couldn't hold it in I fell to my knees and just started sobbing. Sobbing because I was thankful, sobbing in sympathy for those babies and their families, sobbing cause I felt weak, sobbing cause you never know what the future holds, sobbing for the unknown...

I finally am able to control myself, apologized for my actions, (in which the nurse just came over and gave me a hug, whispering in my ear
"(it's okay hun, it's hard to walk in here sometimes, even us as nurses, there is so much sadness, and fear, but just remember to cherish everyday, and everyone who you love, because the future is never promised.)" Words That hit me in the heart strings.) And went in to sit down...

I probably sat there for like 10min before the nurse came up to me and said, " you can hold her, she will just be a little groggy."
So I did I held her, sang to her, talked to her, caressed her skin feeling how fragile a new life can be. She woke up as I was holding her, she looked right into my eyes and smiled...

So from that day forward I pretty much lived at that hospital, only going home on the weekends...

During the week was awesome and very eye opening, Got to meet the families of the other babies that I sobbed for just days before, And when those families were not there, (with there permission of course.) Got to hold them, and comfort them,( when my daughter was sleeping or getting tests done.) Found out that there are people out there that have struggles worse then mine, and fight everyday to keep other people from knowing they are actually dieing inside because of their fear of the future and the unknown...

I did this routine for 2 months and 10 days...

Then I get told some very frightening... But good news,
They told me the news... And I got so excited, I ran out of the nursery to my room, called my mom...

She answered the phone...

In my hysterical, excited state said...

"Got some news how soon can you be here I need you!"

And hung up the phone...