And Roses Wither [Oliver Sykes fanfiction]

Chapter Four

"I am an ocean, I am the sea. I have a world inside of me. Lost in the abyss, drowned in the deep. No set of lungs could salvage me."

        "So Curtis is gone and you're on keyboards now?" I was intrigued, but bored also. Jasper had left, awkwardly smothering his drink into his pockets and saying something about us needing to catch up. 

        "I guess, yeah. I still sing, though. Matty and Matt, along with Lee and I are the remaining original members. Jona's cool. He does vocals, too- He said his previous band was 'Bleeding Through'- I think I've heard of them? And we just released our third album last year, and along with the fact that we won best album this year. You know, no big deal." He scoffs, and I laugh a bit because I'm obliged to and I want to be happy. He's exactly the same, and so am I, under all this skin and flesh and bones and it's scary because my skin and flesh and bones that have healed are becoming infected again and it's really just not good. 

        "What about you?" He slurps his beer through a straw, and bobs his head to the music when he moves his lips away from the plastic cylinder and purses those lips I wish I could kiss and he turns to me and repeats his previous question, only louder now. 

        "Just stuff. Casey started taking care of herself just last year." I paused, as he gave me that look I knew oh so well from my mother. "I couldn't contact you because you were on tour, from what I heard, and I had no ways of even getting ahold of you." I'm making excuses and I really don't want to but I have no choice because this is Oli and Oli needs to hear what he needs to hear. I continue rambling on, "I met Jasper at the hospital and we've been friends since then. Anyway, I'm fine." 

        His eyes inspect to my arms.

        I suck in my breath on impulse because I do not like it when people do that and I want to kill them. But I know I can not kill Oli because under this skin and bones and flesh I still like him and I can do nothing about it because problems are something I do not need. 

        "Lets go to the concert. Me and you. Well, and the fans." He smirks, and I nod because maybe I need what I need, too.

        "I love you Oliver!" "Have my babies!" "Fuck me till I scream!" "Technically you are screaming." "Shut the fuck up!" "Don't you dare start this shit in the pit you dumb fuck." "You wanna fucking go tit-shit?" "Fight me bitch." "Guys come on really."

        Two men in black shirts came up and escorted the three girls out, holding one in each hand and the other one between the two guards. I sighed, was this how their concerts always were? I still leaned against the black railing, the coolness firing my nerves and electrifying my senses. Sweat and happiness rummaged the ruined air around me and I breathed it. I breathed it and I felt joy, and joy was good. 

        The guys continued playing, ignoring the almost-fight and went on with their song I couldn't place. Others sang along to it, screaming and singing and sweating and jumping. The pit was getting bigger and bigger and shit was going on but I did nothing. I simply watched and watched and watched because that's what I need and sometimes I need things. Oliver was singing and having the time of his life and he seemed happy and I loved it when he was happy. The tinge in my stomach made  me wonder if this is my happiness, too. And I realized that maybe it was.

        After the concert Oliver seemed to find me and he was sweaty and gross and hugged me but I hugged back and I could smell him and he smelled like caramel and chocolate and I wanted to puke but I did not because it was Oliver. 

        "What is it?"

        "Nothing."

        "Anna fucking tell the truth for once." He let go and ripped my chin up and his hand was bruising but I let it be and told him through a squished mouth, nothing. I wanted to feel nothing, I wanted to see nothing, I wanted to be nothing. And nothing is good. It's better than problems and skin and me and I love it. Oliver pushed me away, against the stage. He started walking away and I knew this would happen, I knew it and I always knew it because-

        He started walking back towards me.

        His face was red and I wasn't sure if it was because he was mad or because he was hot. His hair was slick with sweat and it laid against his forehead and I wondered if maybe it was just the way his hair was. He starts striding now, and he's getting into my face and practically screaming, "I just fucking found you! Don't you dare act like you don't give a fucking shit or don't feel what we felt seven years ago because that is complete and utter fucking bullshit!" He was spitting against the air and I could feel his hot breath and I took in the air from earlier and I didn't feel that joy I once felt. "Do you even realize how hard it is to even be around you without getting choked up? Without thinking about us?" Oliver preached, and his arms are on either side of my head and I am completely and utterly turned on by this. I started to think and analyse and ponder and everything in the book and suddenly came to the simple answer I knew all along.

        "Yeah, I do. I still do, Oliver. I get those annoying ass butterflies and I still get a small amount of a little thing I want which is called happiness, and you have that in your eyes when you're playing on stage and all those little peachy adorable things we would do as kids still flood my mind. I still like you, Oliver. I still fucking love you and I don't even believe in love!" I'm practically screaming and Oliver's lips are suddenly on mine, and I'm kissing back with every force of strength I have.

        "Good."