Black Ice

Chapter Twelve

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default." 

-J.K. Rowling

*****

We've all been there. 

Maybe you lost someone you care about. Maybe you were blamed for something you didn't do. Maybe you're just having a crappy week. Whatever the reason, we've all had that moment where we sit down, put our head in our hands, and think: why me?

Dear lord, why me? 

No, seriously. Let's just all take a minute to appreciate how terrible our lives are. Human beings - we're living, breathing rat traps for other humans. We stir up emotions - powerful, painful emotions that we can't control or reign in - and then we unleash them on the world in a torrent of tears, laughter, kissing, birthdays, weddings, funerals. Why does life have to hurt so much? Why give love, if only to take it away?

Why does living have to hurt so much? 

This is my conundrum - my beautiful enigma, my code to crack, my puzzle to solve. The puzzle of life, the logic of love. Most people have more years to solve this puzzle than they know what to do with - scholars, philosophers, days of weeks of months of years in which to learn all about the big, wide world and why it does what it does. 

How long do I have to fathom the riddle that is living? loving?

Twenty days.

Why me? 

*****

Carter comes, as usual, around seven that evening. 

I'm not waiting on the porch like usual, so he comes in. He finds me laying on my bed, earbuds in, staring at the ceiling. My eyes are watering from being fixed on the same patch of white plaster for the past half hour, but I might as well be crying. I would be crying, if I could still feel anything. If I could still think. 

"Hey," He says softly, knocking on the doorframe. He knows that I'm not okay. He just knows. Because he's Carter, and if he wasn't perfect, than the universe would be making this game too easy. 

I try to say 'hey' back, but I end up simply swallowing and staring at the ceiling some more. 

He comes in and sits on the edge my bed, close enough that I can feel his body heat, but without actually touching me. It strikes me that he's never been in my room before. "I texted you."

I can read between the lines. You never texted back.

What am I supposed to say? 'Leave me alone, I have to fall out of love with you'? 

Instead, I simply say, "I know." 

"Sometimes, Aly..." He says, his voice gentle as a winter breeze, "I just don't know what to say to you. I mean, I love talking to you. But sometimes...you get this faraway look in your eyes like your mind is working a million miles a minute, and I don't know how to pull you back to me." 

I don't say anything. If I can somehow blot out his words, I know just the sound of his voice will soothe me. 

Carter continues. "I just...I just want to be there for you. You don't even have to kiss me," He jokes feebly. I offer a ghost of a smile, prompting him to keep talking. "Just let me in. Tell me what's bothering you. I'm great at solving problems." 

I actually snort at that one. Damn it all, he's actually cheered me up. "Like when your watch fell in the lake?"

"At least I actually know how to swim," He teases.

"I told you, I do know how to swim. But when someone pulls you into a freezing lake in the middle of winter, you tend to be caught a little off guard," I tease right back, sitting up slightly. This feels natural. This feels normal. This feels good.

But it's so, so wrong. 

It's like a ping-pong match inside my head. Half of me screaming to send him away, send him away, don't get hurt, the other half begging me to fall into his arms like the damsel in distress I've never been allowed to be. All my life, I've looked after someone. Bethany, Ben, my Mother, myself. Just once in this life, I want to be held. To be wrapped up and protected, away from the world, out of reach from the shadows that hide under my bed. 

Carter is so sweet, so clever, so there.

I fold up, tucking my knees under my chin, placing my head on his chest. His arms instinctively wrap around my shoulders. I can hear his heartbeat. He smells like laundry detergent. He's so...alive. 

"Let's go somewhere," I say suddenly. 

He shifts, as if to better hear me. "What?" 

"Let's go somewhere. Somewhere we don't usually go. Let's...change up the plan. Have an adventure." 

He smiles. "Since when are you Nancy Drew?" 

Since I'm dying?

No, that's not true. 

"Since I met you," I reply, and it's the honest truth. 

His smile broadens at that. "I think I know the perfect place." 

And he does, because he's Carter. 

And if he wasn't perfect, than the universe would be making this game too easy. 

*****

As we drive through the darkness of winter, I press my forehead against the window of the passenger seat and sigh. My breath leaves little marks on the glass. 

I don't know where we're going. It's thrilling. It's living. 

But it's not dying. I'm not doing what the old man said. I'm not preparing myself. I'm only giving myself more to hang on to. 

I stare into the murky, inky blackness of the world beyond our little Jeep. Carter is humming AC/DC as he drives. It's quiet, but the kind of quiet that comes just before the world explodes. Just before the sun rises, and the sky bursts into flames. 

And just for tonight, I refuse to be a dying girl. I refuse to be another patch of the depressingly empty beyond. 

Just for tonight, I am determined to be a piece of the explosion. 

Just for tonight, I am a flame, dancing across the horizon. 

Not dead.

Not living. 

On fire. 

*****

AN: I have to apologize for this chapter, because it's short, and honestly, it's kind of weird. I just wanted to reflect how confused Alysson is, how determined to live her life before she loses it forever. So if this chapter seems sort of chaotic, it's because that's what is going on in her mind. 

Don't worry, in the next chapter I'll reveal the mystery location where Carter is taking her. I'm sorry this was so short, I just had to release some of the built of feelz.  

Comments are...love. 

-HopelessByComparison