"Logan, the writer of this Panic! Bible, has a Sharpie addiction.
Okay, it's not the pens themselves that Lo's addicted to, but it's the scent. God-damn, they smell good.
But the slight problem is, the smell makes him high. Really fucking high.
And when someone asked him to talk about the history of their favourite band, shit happened.
So, with great pride and amsement, I welcome you to...
The High History of Panic! at the Disco!"
A'ight, so basically- *cracks knuckles, but then starts to whimper because that hurt like shit*
Ow... uh, basically, it was the winter of '98. Blink-182 were dope-ass shit, so this kid named Ryan Ross was like, "Yo, dude, you should totally get a set of drums for Christmas! And I can get a guitar! And then we can start a band to cover all of Blink's fricken awesome songs! Wicked!"
And his buddy Spencer Smith was like, "Duuuuude, that's a dope idea!"
So both of them got the shit they wanted and then became fucking kings at playing those fucking instruments, because... fuck you, that's why.
*heavily sniffs the Sharpie*
...Where was I?
Uh... oh, yeah, then the two of them went to high school together, as fuckbuddies do--
Wait, they weren't fuckbuddies? Hold up, hold--
*the scene cuts, returning to me sitting in a chair*
...Yeah, uh, high school, blah blah blegh, and then they met Brent Whateverthefuckhissurnameis... Wilson, that's it! And they heard that this dude could play bass really fucking well, so they were like, "Yo, bro, you wanna play for our band? Yeah, it's called Panic! at the Disco."
And 'Panic! at the Disco' was founded in, like, 2004, and Ryan was like, "Yoooooo Spence, we should totally name our band after that Name Taken song lyric thing!" And then he added an exclamation mark for no fucking reason other than to make it snazzier and more 'scene', the gay lil' shit.
And naturally, Spencer agreed because I'm pretty sure he was gay for Ryan; I don't give a fuck what everyone else thinks, I'm not fucking Blurryface.
ANYWAY. Brent was like, "Cool, I'll come along!"
Then, yeah, so, he went to a bunch of band practices and then this kid named Brandon Urine-- what was that? Brad- Brendon? Urie? Weird fuckin' name. Yeah, anyway, this kid was a friend of Brent's and he knew how to play guitar and a bunch of other instruments pretty fuckin' well, so one day Brent was like, "Bro, pal, love of my life, B, we need ya to fill in for Ryan. The poor lil' motherfucker's ill."
So Brenny was like, "Sure, why not?" and he turned up at the next band practice, which was as Ryan-less as Panic! is now, all pumped with his guitar and shit. And it turns out that, since Ryro was the lead singer, Brendon had to fill in for that too!
And fuck, that boy could sing.
Everyone was like, "YO, YOUR VOICE IS DOPE, MAN, LET'S REPLACE RYAN WITH YOU AS LEAD SINGER."
And Bren was like, "Cooooooool, I've got a squad now!" 'Cause the poor guy was bullied in high school for being a 'spazz', my poor smol bean.
And then Ryan heard about that shit, but he was chill with it, 'cause poor smol bean #2 wasn't especially confident with his own voice, and Brendon's is, like, woah.
So then those four fuckers of mothers started to rock on- well, emo on- but there was one tiny problem. They were all too fuckin' broke to pay for their band practice space.
But B was a fuckin' lifesaver, man, he was like, "Guys, don't worry! I got dis!" and he got a job at Tropical Smoothie to pay the rent. What a fucking hero.
And then Ryan Ross fell in love with him because of that. I don't even know why Ry dumped Spencer, so don't ask.
Yeah, so, anyway, then Panic! at the Dance began to-- sorry, Disco-- they began to record their own fuckin' songs, like fricken Cavocado and fricken... fricken Time To fuckin' Dance. And they had this whole emo and... uh... fricken vivianville, or whatever the fuckin' word is, aesthetic going on, and it was just... just perfect.
*takes another long sniff of the Sharpie*
But, like, they needed a fucking record deal, man, so Ryan was like, "Yo, guys, if we annoy Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy enough, he'll sign us to his record label!"
And I don't even know what the fuckety fuck he was thinking, but it actually worked! Yeah, like, Ryro kept making fun of Pete's band or whatever the fuck, like, "Yo, Wentz, your band fucking sucks! Check out mine!"
And Pete was like, "Aw, fuck this shit, I'm gonna check out their fricken crappy garage band and shut down that Ross kid for fuckin' good."
But, like, when he listened to the demos that Panic! had on their website, he was like, "Huh. This is actually really good."
And that's how Panic! at the Disco got signed to Fueled by Noodles! I mean... Ramen! Right? Yeah, cool.
So then this band came up with these hella dope songs, like I Write Sins Not Tragedies and cool shit like that about closing goddamn doors, and they were an instant fucking success! Everything was going fuckin' great, man, they were sailing the fuckin' skies.
But then Brent was being an asshole and not giving a shit about the band anymore, so it was bye bye Brent, hello Jon Walker!
And Spencer found a new boyfriend, whoop.
Yeah, so, there was a lot of fucking gayness in their next album, Pretty. Odd. It was like- it was like the entire band were releasing their inner gay. And Brendon and Ryan kept fucking around on stage too, so... well, Ryden became a ship! And what a beautiful ship it was. Like, B and Ry had fricken bracelets with each other's fricken names on them. Who has that? Only fuckin' nine year old girls and fuckin' couples do.
So, like, Panic! was going strong, but I think Ryden broke up or something, 'cause in 2009 Ryan decided to leave and take Jon with him to start a new band, The Young Veins. I think we all still cry over that day.
Apparently it was 'cause of creative differences or some bullshit like that. Like, Bren wanted to go back to emo again, but Ryan wanted to carry on with the whole Pretty. Odd. kinda thing.
So only Brendon and Spencer were left.
But they were fine! Yeah, B wrote some of the fuckin' songs and used ones that Ryan wrote for their next album, Vices and Virtues, and it was amazing! Aesthetic as fuck.
And somewhere along that line, this fucking giraffe named Dallon Weekes joined, and the three made ANOTHER album, but a lotta people didn't like it 'cause it was really pop. But I like it! Like, Panic!'s next album could literally be Brendon yodelling the fricken Shrek soundtrack and I would fucking listen to it, this band has taken over my fucking life, damn it.
Yeah, so, Dallon then became Bren's new boyfriend, 'cause... Brallon, man, and the amount of stage gay... Jesus fuckin' Christ.
Anyway, so we have... A Fever You Can't Sweat Out, Pretty. Odd., Vices and Virtes, uh... Too Weird To Die, Too Rare To Live, and Death Of-- wait, we're not at that part yet.
Eh, fuck it.
So Dallon and Spencer left and stuff, Spence 'cause he was struggling with an addiction and Dallon... I don't even know. So Brendon's now the only member of Panic! at the Disco.
*sniffs the Sharpie again*
He's doing fuckin' great, man! He loves being able to do whatever the fuck he wants with the band, now. It's all great, and though I still cry over the old albums, I love what he's done with Death Of A Bachelor.
And... yeah, that's the history of Panic! at the Disco, kinda!
...Hey, who the fuck took my Sharpie?!
