Regrets

Chapter 2

   I saw him earlier at school right in front of the main door with a dark blue sweater he always uses and it breaks my heart. No idea why but right at this exact very moment, every time I look at him, A piece of me breaks into million pieces I can not stick back properly. I have realised now I regret letting him go a few months ago when he was there for me when my boyfriend wasn't around. I still remember every small details about the things we used to talk even though I tried to forget it but it keeps on coming back every time I make eye contacts with him and think about how we are never been close enough for me to really know the colour of his eyes. I guess I almost loved him once, I guess I almost paid his love back, and I guess we were an almost lover but it never happened, I guess we almost made it. My boyfriend, Herold hates Griffin for always being there for me when he isn't and by this I can tell who really love me but I never realised it back then when I still had him every day and how badly I never get the picture of him loving me. 

 "Rene is downstairs, honey!" My mom shouts  from the kitchen and I jump out of bed, run downstairs and Rene is there.

 "Wanna go for a walk?" She asks.

 "Sure thing." 

   We go for a park nearby and sit calmly while eating ice cream.

 "So?" Rene asks.

 "So what?" I ask back.

 "You and him." 

 "Which him?"

 "The one you truly love."

   I stop for a while, thinking about my answer. I knew she was about to say that and I bet my life she already knows my answer. Who is it that I love right now; Is it the one who always vanishes but claims to love me with all his heart and completely show it or the one who always here but never claims to love me to my face and hide his feelings? I look down to the ground beneath my shoes as I kick against the surface trying to balance on the swing above the ground and one thing I notice is the vivid feelings I get from the metal rust where I hold on. 

 "Griffin."

 Rene looks at me and smiles, "See, I knew it from the very first," She continues, "How is it with Griffin?"

 "I guess I love him and I only realise that now. God, I wish I could turn back the time and fix things up instead of fucking it up. I wish I didn't tell Herold about Griffin just to have the chance to talk to him a little bit longer. I was so stupid to let him go just like that. I told Griffin I was sorry but I guess a simple sorry is not enough for the break that I cause. I want to go back in time and hold on to him instead of my boyfriend right now. I wish I knew the difference between good and bad," I cry. Of course.

 "Damn, all these 'I wish's are fucking you up," Rene laughs.

 "I know."

 "So, what will you do about Griffin?"

 "Wait for him and hope that he still loves me and would love to accept me back or accept the fact that maybe he has moved on to someone better and I will let him be happy."

 "Even if it's not with you?"

 "Even if it's not with me."

   I stand up and place my hand against my forehead and start pacing back and forth.

 "I don't even know if he really loves me. All I know is he had or still has a crush on me that is probably an unsure feelings."

 "Right there, you are questioning if Griffin actually loves you or not, it means you are not truly in love with him. Listen, Arika, maybe it's just a phrase, a short or a long one I am not sure. Maybe in ten days or ten weeks you will move on from Griffin and love your boyfriend again, time will tell," Rene says.

 "Love my boyfriend again? That asshole who slowly turning me into a piece of shit? No shit sherlock, Rene. And no, I'm not questioning if Griffin loves me or not, I am just scared what I thought all this time might be wrong and maybe all this time he was just fancy-ing me, like you know, those quick crush you have when you see someone your type or someone that just kind of fills your desire and if that is what Griffin actually feels all this time I would end up being a bigger piece of shit."

 "Darling, that is called questioning," Rene laughs.

 I sigh, "Alright, that is questioning but it is called a good questioning."

 "Well, let's just see. If Griffin truly loves you, he will never stop chasing you like athletes who never stop running even though they lose and instead, they will try harder."