Regrets

Chapter 4

   I am walking down the street to the park with a cup of coffee in hand with a plan of sitting on the picnic table while enjoying the rest of my not so terrible day since I haven't thought about him for a while. As I get there, my eyes land on a boy who is sitting alone on the place I have been thinking of. By what he is wearing, I can tell he just got done with playing basketball. Not to mention the other part of my mind knowing who he is makes me want to turn around and go home but I break away from my comfort zone and sit on the other side in total silent. I look away before realising I have been staring at him for a few seconds as I try to hold back the tears behind my eyes. I press the outskirt of the cup against my lips without drinking the coffee, I just let the coffee sits there in between the cup and my lips. I am not sure of what I am doing and I bet he knows. 

   "Griffin." I smile at him.

   "Arika." He looks up to me and smile back. 

   Then it was silent again, one that holds the ability to kill someone and I am dying. It is the kind of silent where no sides enjoy or at least as I know because I am not enjoying it and I don't know about Griffin. I want to burst out the words I have been keeping back because every time I know what to say, he is not there to listen. It is not his fault that he goes away, it wasn't his choice as well. It was mine. I was so stupid to make decision that fast and I am on the edge of breaking down right in front of him. Sometimes I wish people can read mind so Griffin knows what is stopping me from going to sleep at night. I never missed him back then, I could careless about his feelings but right now I realise I couldn't. 

   "It's been a while." Griffin begins.

   "Ah, yes it has," I smile a little, "How are you doing anyway?"

   "Never been better." Griffin said with pride.

   The sounds of broken heart is able to be heard inside of me. I knew he is going to be better than I am.

   "Good to hear that," I pretend to look down on my phone as if something important has popped out but in reality, nothing has, "I got to go, it is nice to see you here, though. I'll see you later," I get up, walk away and turn around, "maybe."

   "Alright, cool." Griffin nods with a hint of a smile.

   It has died, hasn't it? his love to me. I bet he realised I wasn't worth the wait and he decided to move on. A good thing. But why does it break me so bad knowing he is 'never been better' while I am here getting fucked up with regrets and loneliness. I am in a state of never been worse. I guess he has moved on, found a better someone and fallen in love. Maybe he has forgotten about me until I came up to him earlier at the park. I repeat his words over and over again in my mind before million of tears stream down my cheeks and I sink my face to my pillow hoping it would cage out the sound of my muffling breathe from the world. I realise one thing, I am, right at this very moment, in love with two persons at the same time.