Poetry On Screen

Answer-In A Thought

So, some of friends apparently have actually decided to read this! This goes out to them, who are currently worrying about me.

-What's wrong?

I'm not even sure, at first this was going to be used to make others happy, but I couldn't think of anything. So, I started writing down things that I think about and I realized a lot of shit about myself that I didn't want to remember.

Now, this is literally where I'm writing down what I'm realizing about myself and putting it into words. Most of the times I'm really happy, right? You guys are probably thinking- "Yes!" Well, I thought so too.

I, in a way, brainwashed myself. I was tired of seeing the people I love being hurt and I was tired of hurting myself. I blocked out negativity, I'd physically hurt myself if I thought bad things about myself or others. Then once I thought I was keeping everyone happy, I "deleted" those memories. (Ik this all sounds made up, I apologize). Maybe this will help-

I wanted everyone to be nice and friendly to each other, no hate or sadness. I wanted to be enough. I wanted someone to need me and only me to keep them happy. I want us to stay together forever. My groups of friends are the most important thing to me.

I took my advice too seriously. "To keep people happy, take their pain away." I tried to take everything hurtful away from everyone, I tried solving their problems. The problem was that I could solve their problems, and ignored my own.

In all honesty, I was truly happy with this plan for a long time. I'd cry going to bed feeling sad for myself, but happy I could help my loved ones.

If anyone remembers the times I would randomly break down in class. This is why. I'd remember my own sadness and then yours, and I'd get crushed under our weight.

I'm not blaming anyone, it's no ones fault, I'm going to keep saying I'm "okay" because that's the truth. I'm not great, but not dying either. I'm okay, if I were really upset, I'd tell you guys. Also, if you're still worried about me...

I suppose the only thing I really want is no negativity coming from anyone. I want my own negativity to stop, I want yours to stop, I want no drama, I want us to stay together. If you must say something mean to someone or about something, go tell someone else. I don't want to here "I'm fat" or "I'm ugly". If you honestly have a problem then get off your ass and do something.

In short-

-What's wrong?

Too many stuff that I can't explain well enough because my vocabulary isn't that great.