HetaOni (Hetalia x Reader x 2P! Hetalia)

Still alive but I'm barely breathing

:<

Okay, first of all, I want to apologise to those who thought this was finally an update. (;w\) As much as I want to update, there are just so many things at the moment that I have to deal with.

Second, I'm sorry for the inactivity :< I guess I should've made an A/N for that before taking such a long leave.

Now, uhm, as for the reason why I made this A/N...I'm just here to explain some things: why I was away for a long time, what's going on in my crazy, stressful life, how I'm doing, and some other things I wanted to vent out maybe. So, yeah, I know not all of you would be interested in reading that ehe, so it's alright if you guys don't read this.

So...where should I start?

Well, for those who don't follow my deviantArt account, I guess you don't know some things I ranted about before in a journal post, huh? ehe... It was over a month ago, and I might have changed over the month about it, but some of my sentiments from that still remain.

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deviantArt Journal post:

"I'm sorry.  

 Ahh..look, I'm really sorry about my previous status that caused a lot of people to worry :( I was just really down that time and those words just kept resonating in my mind...so I thought of posting it already.  

  There are a lot of things that I should apologise and explain for, but I'm not sure if I have the right words right now.

I feel a little jumbled about this whole thing myself, but let me start with some stuff that I think I can talk about now.

I've been down lately. Sad. Depressed? That, I can admit. And no, I'm not doing this for some attention, nor am I doing this just because I feel like it.

The thing is, the depression that I feel is something that I don't feel for the whole day, but painfully, it lingers just behind me. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but that's just how it is.

It hurt. It hurts. I think about these countless problems, and as much as I want to tell the people around me, I just couldn't bring myself to do so.

I would feel down thinking about all my fears and doubts as I walk to school. I would think that I would stay like that through the day...but when I finally enter the room... I end up covering it all up with a smile. I'm a good actress, no one noticed anything different about me.

Though, it's not like they take notice of me in the first place.

Which brings me to one of the things that had been bothering me for the past months. You know, last year, when I was a freshman, the class the I was part of was really...warm. By that, I mean, everyone is really approachable, friendly, open, and just...just easy to talk to. All of them were friends, but of course I have a circle of friends that's separate from that. I really love my close friends from freshman year. They're precious to me, like family, and they're one of the reasons why I keep fighting for the course that I took. I was so, so happy that I met friends like them.
Back in high school, I was a part a small group of friends, which sometimes just turns into just me and my best friend...the problem was, my best friend was sickly and ends up being absent a lot. Because of that, I end up having to eat lunch alone in the classroom. Being lonely wasn't a nice feeling, so I made a resolve to change that in college.

And I did.

The group of friends that I was part of back in first year was really fun, rowdy, and we were always together. Eating during lunch, talking during breaktime, and hanging out at my house... It was so fun. I was so happy.

It was those days that I wished.. "I wish days like these would never end."


But I was silly to think that it would really happen.

Last year, I told you guys about that test that my future depended on, right? It was a qualifying exam that could cause me to lose my place as an Accounting student. I was so scared, because I didn't want to ruin my future...and...I didn't want to be apart from my friends.

So I did my best to study for it, and I've told you guys about it before, right?

I passed.

I was so happy. I was so happy that I wasn't going to be apart from my friends.

How silly of me.

That year, they suddenly implemented reshuffling of classes, so instead of our class being together 'til third year...we were going to be separated for the second year.

It felt like my heart shattered a bit, but I was able to endure it, knowing that at least, I can see my friends in-between breaks. We may not see each other a lot, but at least we're all still in the same course, the same floor, the same building.

And a new class would mean new friends, right?

..Right?

I don't know.

When I reached second year, I was in section 3, and I was in the same class as my friend from my group of friends, and my classmate who was in a different circle, but was still a friend ehe.

The class that we were in, had a strange...atmosphere. I have nothing against my class...it's just that...I could totally feel the barriers around them. I mean, since it's our second year, they'd have their own circle of friends..so that's understandable... But it's just a bit difficult to approach them without looking like I'm being too pretentious. They were nice, really. It's just that...I feel like they're too far.

But I had a circle of friends in the class, too. My two previous classmates, and two new classmates. I was closer to the friend who was in my group of friends last year, so I was always together with that friend. I felt like it was all okay. Even if I have a few friends in class, at least I have them.

Until the friend that I was closest to had to drop out of the class due to some circumstances. I was really sad about it, and I didn't want him to drop out because...because I knew that he deserved a place in our class more than I did.

I'll be honest, I'm really horrible when it comes to matters that deal with numbers, money, and math in general. I've been like that since elementary.

"Then why take Accountancy in the first place?"

Well. We studied Accounting back in high school, and my grades in that class weren't that bad...so my parents told me it was best to just continue it. And I could really see that they wanted me to be an accountant. They want me to be the one to help them out once I get a job, because we all know how difficult it is without money. Since they said Accounting rakes in a good salary, they encouraged me to take the course. I was so unsure of it. I kept thinking about it being all math-related, and I get really anxious when it comes to that subject.

But it's not like I can say 'no'.

When I graduated high school, I didn't really have a solid plan for what I really wanted. Well, I've been considering wanting to take AB History or English, because that's what I was good at...but I knew that taking a course like that...and then looking for a job...won't really get me a living that'll be enough to help at home.

Even if I was unsure whether or not I'd like Accountancy, I decided to go for it to make my family happy. It's for them, and I don't mind... I love my family, and I don't really like thinking about myself before others, so here I am.

But as I went through the classes, I realised little by little...that I'm having a hard time keeping up with the lessons. I got good grades in History, English, and Literature...but low grades in Accounting and Math. That shouldn't happen. I didn't want it to happen...so I keep trying and trying...but even if I move forward a little...they're still too far away to catch up to. Especially on my second year, I ended up being the lowest in our class. What was I supposed to do? I just end up hating myself for all the time I waste, and the fact that I can't do good in class like the rest. Heck, we even had an exam where everyone passed except for me. I was like the shame of that class. I just... I don't know.

I wanna ask for help, but I just can't reach out to them. I feel ashamed and undeserving. Even in my circle of friends in the room. I just end up bringing them down. A burden. And it feels horrible. They would help me out when I ask them to explain it to me, but I still don't understand. But I just smile and thank them, because they tried helping me. They weren't the problem, I was. I know that. I know that.

In the end, I just don't belong.

I know some of you are thinking that I'm just overreacting...I'm sorry. It just hurts a lot and I've kept this from all of you for a long time now, so I'm sorry if I've never mentioned this before.

But I did tell you guys that I incorporate some of my feelings in my stories. Have you noticed? Sometimes, I make the characters say things that I want to hear for myself, but I don't.

"You belong."

I know some of you might think it's silly, but I just... I don't know. Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of small things. Like when my group of friends and I walk home from school.