Riptide

I ended things 2 years ago but I still think about it sometimes

I want to stand on my tippy toes and run my fingers along the curved arch doorways that connect your living room and dining room

I want to look up from your bed and see the cracks in the ceiling

I want to sit out on the balcony that branches out from your room, watching the ivy crawl up the railings, and the lights that you hung with your mother, glow

I want to look out of the window next to your bed and see the messy unweeded garden in your backyard,
or in your mind, the one your family planted and then forgot about,

I want to sit on the dark purple couch in your sunroom, and  watch Harry Potter like we used to every weekend,
while I can hear your mother rehearsing piano upstairs,
echoing through the walls

I want to take photos of you laughing on the swing that hangs from the tree in your front lawn..
"candid", you would call it

I want to walk to that cupcake shop around the corner, and I would order the cookies & creme and you would always pick something new.

I want that time of my life back..

but

I don't want you.

I don't want back how you would point out whenever I wore the same shirt twice,

I don't want back how you would laugh at me, and say you weren't serious; because that hurt.
I don't want back when I saw you at that concert you went to without me, and you pushed me away when I tried to hug you, so your friends wouldn't see

I don't want back when you stood me up the night of my homecoming dance,
I danced all over another girl that night and I barely felt guilty (because fuck you)

I don't want the sinking feeling I felt in all my organs when I found out about you and her.

or the itchy distrust I felt beneath my skin, and inside my veins when i found out it had been going on for 2 months

thinking that nothing would ever hurt as much as your betrayal,

I don't want back how utterly meaningless you made me feel

I just want back that time in my life.
it was a time of self discovery and education.
a time where I realized loving another person so purely couldn't possibly make God hate me
a time where I learned what it felt like to love someone, and not be pretending for another's benefit.

a time where I felt happy. (for the most part)

but I most certainly don't want you

(this was barely even a poem or a story, just something I wrote, because I feel bitter and kind of angry, just another crappy thing to add to my footprint on the earth ahah)
((sorry for the pessimism, today's not a good day))