Riptide

r.n.f

I write poems about you
mainly at night
because loneliness in a dark room is the clearest representation of our time together
our midnights, our 3am's
projectors showing tv shows that I can't bring myself to watch anymore
your leg inbetween the two of mine,
in-between episodes,
kisses interrupting my favorite one-liners,
your character meaning more to me then those on the walls, even though you were just as fiction
just as dishonest, destructive, and demeaning.
I didn't know it yet.

I didn't know that soon enough nothing would kill me more than our eye contact

I didn't know that I would want to peel away the fingerprints of yours that I can't see, and take my skin away with it

I didn't know that your mom would call me into her office and we would both cry until our eyes grew swollen

i didn't know that my love poems for you would make me feel like taking razor blades to my everywhere

(I stopped this poem and never finished it, until 2 months later. so the continuation is below)

you showed up at my house yesterday.

and suddenly I remembered how you smelled,
I recognized your body language before I saw your face

I felt itchy fear make its nest in my veins, and panic swallowing my gut whole

I felt wasps in my throat,

I couldn't breath,
you knocked on the door for 10 minutes.
I hid behind my couch.

on the note you left you apologized for that night.

you said I "deserved more than that"
well i still not sure what "that" was,

I can't talk about it (still)

memories build up in my mouth, tripping my words,
they falter before they reach the surface,
they fall away like dry sand stacked on dry sand

(it has been a month and I still can't finish this poem, so enjoy as is, and once again I apologize for the bad quality of writing)

ps. if you know me IRL and you read this, you're allowed to comment but you can't talk to me about this one IRL. thanks.