Even though I try to, I can't shake the images of Luke and I out of my mind. The encounter was several days ago, but I can still feel his soft hands running over my body. I shudder and pull out my laptop. We haven't talked in several days, which royally sucks, but what can I say to him? To make him understand my storm of feelings, each drop different. I recall the way he looked at me while kissing down my chest, staring deep into parts of me I keep secret. I shudder again.
Pulling out my laptop I check my inbox. No new messages. I sigh and close the lid, then open it again. This is ridiculous, I should just be honest with him, I like him. That much is obvious to me, maybe it is to him too.
EMILYLOVESPANDAS: Hey
ANALDESTROYER: Yo
I smile at such a quick response, this is a good sign.
EMILYLOVESPANDAS: Wassup?
I decide to keep it casual at first, then slip in the fact I have a crush on him.
ANALDESTROYER: making food, Im at work
EMILYLOVESPANDAS: You should bring me some
ANALDESTROYER: ah yes, I am going to drive from wasilla to anchorage just to drop off Thai food.
EMILYLOVESPANDAS: Yesh! I love Thai food
ANALDESTROYER: I hate Thai food
EMILYLOVESPANDAS: *GASP* how??? You WORK at a thai food restaurant
ANALDESTROYER: It's gross yo
EMILYLOVESPANDAS: You're gross yo
EMILYLOVESPANDAS: But I like you so I must be even grosser.
ANALDESTROYER: ....
ANALDESTROYER: I gtg, ttyl Em
ANALDESTROYER has left the chat
"fuck" I mumble to myself, instantly regretting my decision.
I log off and slide my laptop to the furthest corner of my bed, wishing I could take back the last thirty seconds of interaction I had with my best friend. Of course he doesn't like me back what was I thinking, that he'd tell me that hey! I actually sort of love you! Wanna date again? No. Luke isn't like that. Never has been, probably never will be. I think back to when we were both fourteen, still adjusting to our new teenager bodies and trying hard not to look uncool infant of each other. It's so strange how things can change in an instant, Luke and I went from best friends to dating, to best friends again and now..what? I think about the brief moments we've shared that to me seemed like instant connections, but maybe they were just mistakes and acts of impulsive lusty selfishness.
At least he said he'd talk to me later, I remind myself of this small but critical detail. If we talk later, maybe I can still sort this out, maybe I can try to turn it into a joke, like hey I meant I like you as a friend! ...? Does that work? Questions swim around in my head and it actually makes me start to feel dizzy. I roll off my bed and reach for the half empty and lukewarm bottle of gatorade at my beds table. I chug it, not even caring the fact that I have no idea how old this mystery liquid is, let alone that it's the first thing I've drank all day. I just need to clear my head.
Both my parents left this morning to take my brother to his basketball game, and they wouldn't be back for another hour or two, depending on if they stopped for lunch on the way back or not. I lazily shuffled into the kitchen and took out a box of leftover pizza from the previous night. A cold slice of pepperoni would have to suffice for the most important meal of the day I guess. A few strands of my hair somehow manage to mix with the pizza I have held up to my mouth, and I drag the hair out from between my lips, a little disgusted but not really caring at this point. Am I a trash monster? yes. Do I give a single fuck? absolutely friggin not.
The door bell rings and I peer out from behind the kitchen wall that looks into the hallway to see who is disturbing my snack fest. Its
