I Hate This School

Backstabber

I didn't know what to do. Run to him or away from him. So instead I just stared ahead of me blankly, my eyes glazing over with tears. I blinked furiously, trying to prevent any kind of emotion appearing on my face. I was so disappointed, mainly because I was interested in Jay and he knew I was. I had heavily hinted it more than enough times.

I watched their kiss end and Jay put a hand on her cheek as she smiled and walked away. My eyes stuck to his stupid, smug expression. He suddenly stuck his middle finger up in front of himself, laughing loudly. My brows furrowed as I saw Simon walking over to him, looking miserable. He handed him a money note and I frowned in confusion.

I didn't know exactly what they where doing but it looked pretty dodgy. I moved to the left a little so I could hide behind a wall, still being able to peak around the corner. I did so and watched Jay punch Simon in the arm, laughing loudly. I listened

"Ha, bender!" Jay said, waving the money in front of Simon's face. "Cheers for that. Next time don't make a bet you know you'll lose!" So, they were betting. But what on...?

"Yeah, yeah, alright," Simon said, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, what's Ella gonna think about all this?" My heart beat a little faster as my eyes moved to Jay, waiting for his response.

"She doesn't have to find out, does she?" Jay said, shrugging. "Besides she doesn't like me anyway. Why would she care?" I scoffed and felt those wet tears return to the corner of my eyes. How could he possibly think that?

"Yeah, well," Simon said, "I'm almost positive she has a thing for you. I see you two together all the time - what's that all about?"

"Just mates," Jay responded.

"Right."

"Think whatever you like, alright? Now fuck off - she'll be here any minute. Wanted to talk to me about summin." I stopped peaking and went back to leaning against the wall, wondering what to do. Should I walk over to Jay as if nothing had happened? Or just wait for him to leave? My heart raced as I heard them talking again. I couldn't make out most of it but it was clear enough for me to hear Jay say,

"Nah. I'll probably never see her again. Don't even know her name.  Plus, she looks frigid - terrible kisser." 

---

I got home and felt really depressed. I was probably over reacting. It wasn't a big deal but it felt like the end of my world. My bed was growing warmer with my body pressed against it but on the inside I felt cold and tired - tired of school, tired of my boring family, and tired of life. Sure, I had a decent house. I had food and water... Everything I needed. But I never seemed to get what I wanted - and I wasn't asking for much.

I wanted a boyfriend. I always had wanted one, and I dreamed about it countless times. My mum was even more desperate as I was, but that was probably just so she could invite him over to dinner and fuss over him, therefore wildly embarrassing me. I wanted it too, but only with one person. I wanted to find the right guy and stick with him forever. No break ups, no new boys.

The image of Jay kissing the girl kept replaying in my brain. It was all I could see. You probably think I'm taking this way too seriously - but imagine falling in love (or, at least, thinking you did) and seeing your love kiss someone else. It meant nothing but it really, really hurt. Like, a lot. Was this heartbreak? I couldn't tell but I just wanted to sleep and never wake up so I could just miss the rest of school. Then people would actually worry about me and maybe consider the way I feel. 

Part of me wanted to stop being this miserable, self hating teenager and instead I wanted to be a happy-go-lucky girl. I wanted to be happy, always, and have many reasons to be happy. But right at that moment I just didn't. It really felt heavy on my heart - and then the tears came. You know when you build up the emotions so much that it's almost like an extremely filled water balloon waiting to burst? That's what it felt like. I didn't make any noise when I cried but the tears just dripped down my pale cheeks, one by one.