Forgive and Forget - Dayl Cronin

Chapter 4

Back in Ireland, away from Brad, only for a few days because then we have to go to Scotland. And we are back with them. Right now, me and Dayl are sat together on the sofa watching christ knows what just small talking.
You may think I moved on a bit fast. At first so did I, but then I thought what's the point in waiting and moping over a boy that didn't give two shits about me.
"We are going shopping tomorrow" Cian said as he walked into the living room "Are you two gonna come?"
"Uhh yeah of course Cian" I smiled
"Ok" He smiled
"Was thinking about maybe going to look for some flats Wednesday?" I said
"Why?" Cian said "Just move in here, Im your best mate, hes your boyfriend the rest of them are like your close mates so why not move in here"
"I would have to pay rent" I said
"No dont be silly" Cian said
"They Im not moving in!"
"Ok, ok!"
"How much?"
"€100"
"Yeah right"
"It is"
"I feel like you are giving me a lower number"
"No im being serious"
"Hmmm ok"
He smiled at me.
"Are you just going to stay here all day?" Brendan asked walking in.
"Um, no, I might go for a walk in a bit, clear my head write some more songs, who knows?" I smiled
"Oh okay" He said.
I looked at my phone, 2:37pm.
I unlocked my phone and went on to twitter.
Joe had DMed me.
Hey, um your last song was about Brad? And he's not too happy...
I dmed him back.
I dont care, you told me to write about personal experiences so I did?

I then scrolled for a bit and saw a screenshot of Brad's tweet, which he had deleted after being on there for 3 seconds. It read:
I should have never let you go, and now Im paying the price💔I cant bear to see you with him, he treats you the way I should have😳😰I will always love you, despite what you may think❤️
This was about me. I shut the twitter app.
"Im gonna go get ready" I smiled
"Ok, I presume you want to walk by yourself?" Dayl said
"If possible?" I smiled.
He kissed me before I left to get changed.

********
I walked along the coast it was pretty, but cold. I took a seat on a bench at the edge. I wondered, who would care if I ended my life here and there, who would care?
Dayl, Cian, Brendan, Ryan, Dean, Josh?
Who else?
My dad. Did what Brad did to me.
My mum dead. Why? Because of what my dad did to her.
Maybe it was fate to die the same.
Im just talking stupid now. I pulled my song book out.

I cant believe you did it
I cant believe what you did to her

You were childhood sweethearts
I found nothing more cute
You loved eachother
So I thought, anyway

I remember the day you left
My heart my broke again
I remember the day mom said
"Im sorry babe"
And I know that you didn't understand what it would do
What it would do.

BUT NOW IM SAT ALL ALONE
IM STILL STOOD HERE TRYNA FIGURE WHAT I DID WRONG
TELL ME
TELL ME
GET THIS MY MEMORY OUT OF MY HEAD
TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG!!
TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG!!

We worked it out for a little bit, or at least for a day.
I went to work in the morning
Came home on my lunch break
I called for mum, no reply
On the kitchen table a folded note
Saying why.

I remember the day you left
My heart my broke again
I remember the day mom said
"Im sorry babe"
And I know that you didn't understand what it would do
What it would do.

BUT NOW IM SAT ALL ALONE
IM STILL STOOD HERE TRYNA FIGURE WHAT I DID WRONG
TELL ME
TELL ME
GET THIS MY MEMORY OUT OF MY HEAD
TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG!!
TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG!!
TELL ME
TELL ME
I SAID TELL ME TELL ME
YEAH TELL ME TELL ME

Was it my fault?

Sometimes I do blame myself, most of their arguments were because of me.
"I need to speak to Cian" I said to myself.
I picked myself up and walked home.
"Finally" Cian said.
"Everyone else is out" He said
"Oh, I need to speak to you anyway" I said
"Yeah?"
"I-um recently have been thinking about my mum"
"Brooke"
"And my dad. I figured my problem is that I feel like the problem" I said
"You should never feel like that"
"I know"
"Have you ever thought about maybe phoning your dad"
"He's probably changed his number" I said making excuses.
"And what if he hasn't?"
I sat silently.
"Don't you want to know if he is happy?"
"I dont care if he's happy" I said "He killed my mum, not literally"
"I know, but don't you want him to say that it wasn't your fault"
I sat silently again.

"Cian..." I said quietly almost a whimper
"Yes?" He said
"I-um- remember what I used to think about when I was about 13?" I said
"Yes, why?"
"Well today, I thought those thoughts... I sat on the cliff edge and thought what if I fell, what if I jumped? Who would care? You, Dayl, Dean, Ryan, Josh, Brendan? Who else? Your mum. Thats it, in the whole world that would miss me. I thought about my mum and how maybe it was fate that I died in the same way, I then corrected myself, told my self I was thinking stupid thoughts. BUT, Cian what if I hadn't? What is fate had made me fall when I wanted to be pushed?" I started to cry
"Well that my darling would be fate... no one knows how it works, yet everyone has it" He smiled
I stopped crying.
He was right.
I stood up.
"Thank you Cian" I smiled
"Right, get yourself sorted, Brendan and Josh have gone to get dominos, Ryan, Dean and Dayl have gone to get some films, sweets and drinks" Cian said
"Awww"
"Pyjamas on, now!! Make up off! Hair in a top knot! Move it"
I smiled at him before going to Dayls room. I got into my shorts and one of Dayl's t-shirts. He told me that if I was feeling down to wear one. So I am. I took my make up off and I put my hair into a messy bun.
I walked into the room. Dean, Dayl, Ryan and Cian were sat on the sofas speaking about songs.
I sat down next to Dayl. He smiled over at me before saying something to the boys, I was DMing Levi, he was seeing how I was. They were like my little brothers.
Josh and Brendan walked in.
"Food!!" I shouted trying to cheer myself up, get somehow they all knew I was still down.
We got all the duvets from the beds and sat on their corner sofa. I was between Dayl and Cian. We started to watch, a comedy, I didn't know the name of it. I was too busy eating pizza and texting Levi so I didn't really pay attention.
"Right so what's wrong?" Dayl whispered half way through the film as I lay my head on him shoulder.
"Well...