Love, Dad

6. Sickened in the Sun

She was sickened in the sun; it was not kind to her. It didn't burn her skin, or dry her tongue. No, it was unkind because it was honest. It was unkind because, on just the one arm visible to her, she could see what she bore. Her eyes ran up and down the marks that were starting to take form and darken on her flesh. When she saw herself in the mirror, she would see the extent of their night of passion. Well, his passion. For now, she was trapped under him, crushed under his body and she could not breathe. Yet it was not his weight that suffocated her. It was him—his temper, his ideals, sometimes his very hands. Yes, it was his very being that choked her and destroyed what she had left, day by day, and so she was sickened in the sun.

When he slept his face bore a different mask, told a different story. The boy was almost angelic, which might've explained why she was there in the first place. Too often it was marred by rage—too often it was twisted in scornful fury and dangerous malice. The time for her to be fooled by his innocent smile was long since over—she knew what he was. Only she was trapped under him, unable to escape, even when she tried. It was tragic, maybe, a story that reinvented itself, a vicious cycle that went on and on and on. But it was life, the way it was for her, the way it had always been.

The way it would always be.

Caiti had been lying awake for quite some time now, content to remain where she was. Not content to be there under him like that, where he had fallen asleep as soon as he had finished with her. Rather, she was content to stay there because she knew if she did not move, she would not yet wake him. It wasn't for his benefit that she wished for him to sleep. However much she longed for that, she knew she had to stir, to move because even though she wanted it not to, the day went on with or without her—and she couldn't afford to be left behind anymore.

Taking a few small breaths, she did her best to slide out from under him, stopping when he shifted. After only a second he obliged and rolled off of her, away onto the other side of the bed to leave her free. She waited to be absolutely sure, and when she was as certain as she could be—or at least was going to get—she got up and made her way equally as slowly to the bathroom to assess the damage. This, of course, was her least favorite part of the day—of her life, really—but there was no one else to blame it on but herself. Even Billy could claim the same innocence, after all, she was the one who let him do these things to her.

She stood in front of the silver glass and refused to look at it, reluctant to face what she would see. It wasn't like she should be scared, it wouldn't be anything she hadn't bore witness to before. And it definitely wouldn't be the worst she'd endured. Yet something had changed for her, made her think that for the first time in a long time she wanted more than what she had. More than what she had always thought she deserved. Though she wished she did, she could not discern what it was—what it was that had given her such hope. Hope was something she had sacrificed long ago.

When she finally did look at her reflection, Caiti felt nothing as she pressed her fingers to the spots on her face where bruises had bloomed. They were tender, probably, as bruises tended to be, but it had been a long time since she had been able to feel the sting. Indeed, the only part that brought her pain anymore was when he hit her. The aftermath she could manage. Which, naturally, she had to. Her makeup was where she always kept it, and she wasted no time as she started to cover the places that varied from her complexion. In half an hour she would be recognizable again, ready to take on the world.

Her favorite part was the transformation, the time when she could pretend that her life was anything but this. What it must be like to wake up in the morning and look the way she spent so long making herself look. It'd been a long time for her, since she'd had that, and she'd reconciled that it was gone a long while ago. Only now, she had that little bit of hope creeping up inside of her, and it seemed like it was enough to destroy all the peace she'd made with her situation over the years. That was only one of the reasons it was so dangerous, she knew that all too well.