The Spoon

PART 4: ERSTWHILE

*****

The sky is flooded with blood and roses, the river turned into fire and gold. I sat beside Natasha, our hands held together, our fingers intertwined. The sun was setting, giving a faint red glow on Natasha's perfectly tanned skin. Her brown hair seemed brighter, her freckles the same color as the sun.

It was 5 months ago when I met Natasha at a bar. I could still remember her sitting there, flashing her smile. We talked, we drank a beer, then the next thing I remember, I was asking her to be my girlfriend. Things with Natasha, they were so easy. I didn't have to worry about the things she likes, the things she doesn't like, and the things Sadie would have demanded if she were Natasha.

Sadie. I can't help but wonder what she's doing right now. Is she having fun in Germany? Are people admiring her work? I felt a tug on my stomach and thought, is she thinking about me? This week, we were supposed to be getting married. But it only took a few turns to take all of it away.

"Earth to Carter. Hello? Are you even listening to me?", Natasha said as she was getting up.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"You're acting weird, Carter. Anyways, I said, Let's go grab some dinner."

"Oh. Sure, let's go."

The drive from the Bay to the restaurant took about 15 minutes, and we were both silent the whole time. Natasha suggested we go to The Spoon, a classy restaurant just a few blocks from downtown. Natasha must have noticed my nostalgia, because she asked what was wrong.

"We could go to another restaurant, if you like." , she offered.

"No, I'm fine. I'm just uh-", I was stuttering.

"What?", her eyes seemed full of concern.

"Nevermind. It's nothing." Noticing that I wanted badly to drop the subject, she dragged me inside.

The walls were painted a classic brown and gold. Mirrors were hung on the far end, and round tables filled the room. Pictures and paintings ornamented the place, flowers bloomed on every corner.

I gulped. The place hadn't changed since I last got here. With Sadie. It was our first anniversary back then, we were 21 years old. Stop it, I thought to myself. But it was too late, the memory came back to me and flashed, like a TV suddenly connected to a cable.

"Wow, Carter! This place is so romantic!", Sadie said as we entered the restaurant.

"Yeah. Well, I though you'd like it." We walked towards our table, and I took Sadie's wrist and stopped. "Look at the painting", I pointed.

"It's beautiful." Sadie loved going to museums and exhibits, going over each one. "One day, I'm going to make one as beautiful as that and people will love it."

At the time, I thought that anything could happen. We were both so naive. Never did we thought that we'd come to a point where we'd break up over the things that equally matter to us.

I had lost myself in my thoughts again. Natasha was snapping her finger in front of my face.

"Are you okay? You've been acting weird lately.", she said.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I looked at our table and realized that our orders were already served.

Her green eyes were studying me, thinking deeply. "No, you aren't.", she said. There was a pause, so long I thought she had nothing more to say, then finally, "Let's be honest."

"Really, I'm fine."

"Carter, Fred already told me."

I blinked at her. "Told you what?"

Her voice was so quiet, I almost missed what she said. "About Sadie."

I was speechless. I didn't know how to respond. I don't even know what to say. "I- uh"

"Don't. Carter, I get it. You haven't moved on, and you obviously aren't ready. You know that, don't you?"

"I- yes." It felt like I was admitting something to myself, rather than to Natasha. Have I really moved on? Have I forgotten all of my feelings for Sadie? I looked at my reflection on the mirror. Dark circles were below my eyes, lines marked my forehead.

There was an awkward silence. After a few minutes, she took her purse. "We can't do this if you aren't ready. But," she carefully stood up, "you know where to find me when you are."

I was left alone on the table. I thought to myself, "What now?"

I could only think of a single answer.

Sadie.

*****