You want to kill yourself?
Its 10:53 pm on a Sunday night, you've already said goodnight to your parents and siblings. Your door is locked, they think you are asleep. You sit at your desk twirling a pen in your hand. You stare at the blank paper as you refill your eyes with tears for the fifth time tonight. You dont want to do it without writing a goodbye letter. You want to make sure your family know why you did it. Your tears fall onto the paper and you cant help the frustration as the droplets begin to ruin the paper. You crumple up the paper and break down even harder. You realize you cant write the paper so you look into the mirror once more and watch as your final tear falls. Only a couple moments later, your heart stops and the blood escapes your body to create a puddle of blood on the floor. But nobody is going to care right?
Its now 6:47 am Monday morning. Your mother waits downstairs in the kitchen to give you your lunch money. Shes already late for work but she doesnt want you to stress about making lunch for yourself. She doesnt know whats taking you so long. She yells your name a couple of times but no response. She has no idea your cold dead body is lying in your bedroom. She thinks you slept in, so she runs upstairs and she knocks on your door. But no response. She opens the door, screams, horrified. She runs to you to hold your body. Her tears seem like a waterfall, everlasting. She sits there with you cradled in her arms, for a good hour. Until she has the strength to go call your father. Your father rushes home and they both cry together. They pick up your siblings from school to try to explain to them what happened. Your older brother runs out of your room into his. He slams the door. He thinks its all his fault. Hes always been picking on you. Calling you names and starting arguments just to push your buttons. He punches his wall and allows the tears to pour outta him. Your little sister doesnt understand. She asks if its her fault for always trying to steal your stuff or because she never leaves you alone when you have friends over. Its hard to explain this to a six year old but she probably wont care anyways, right?
Its now Wednesday and your mom finally goes to your school. She hasnt left the house since you took your life away, but she knew she had to go. She enters your classroom only to see your teacher grading papers. Its 12:19 so your classmates are sitting at lunch. Your teacher greets her and asks where you've been. Your mother bursts into tears and your teacher automatically is astonished. She has no idea whats wrong but she tries to comfort your mother. Your mother explains what had happened. Your teacher starts to cry too. She began to have flashbacks of all the times she yelled at you for not having your homework. She thinks its her fault for being too hard on you. Your classmates come back and are confused. A couple of students recognized your mom and wanted to say hi but sensed something is wrong. Your teacher calls the principal and the vice principal in and your mom explains. Everyone in the classroom is now crying even though that annoying boy that sat behing you and threw gum in your hair is crying, thinking its his fault. Even the popular girl that wouldnt give you all the time and day is crying. Even the nerd that didnt let you copy off his homework is crying, thinking its his fault. They are probably all faking because nobody cares right?
A week has gone by and its time for your funeral. Almost every kid and their families are there. Almost everyone you have come to contact with is there. Its like a pool of black as one looks over the people sitting in chairs as your dead body lies in the casket. Everyone goes up to speak. And after every speech everyone cries harder. Even the emotionless jocks is in hysterics. The funeral lasts for many hours; no one wants to get up to move on. To accept what has happened in real life. All of them are just too lazy to get up because they just dont care right?
Its been a month since your death. Nobody has gone into your room. The door remains shut. Your mom goes to your dad and says "Its time". Your dad looks at her with his lifeless eyes, nods and slowly rises from the kitchen table. They enter your room slowly. Just stepping inside gives her the chills. Your father holds your mom as she begins to tear up. Hes trying to be strong but he cant. Soon the tears swell up in his eyes as well. They begin to pick up your clothes, dust your shelves and make your bed. The blood on the carpet from your blood has been covered with a rug. Neither of them go near it. They clean up in silence for the next hour. They dont care that your gone they just dont want a messy room right?
Another week has gone by, your brother passes by your room and hears crying inside. He opens the door to see your little sister crying, clutching your favorite pillow. He runs to her and started crying as well. Soon, your mother and father join in. Your father jokes "You know, this bed isnt big enough for the four of us. And everyone laughs. Thats the first time your family has laughed since you died. The first time a smile has crept on their faces. They hug eachother and mother says "Well get through this someday."
You thought nobody would care? Well you were wrong. Nobody wanted you to take your life. Nobody wanted to wake up and find your body lying dead on the floor. Nobody wanted this, wished for this, could have imagined this. Some people knew you were down lately but they never thought this would happen. They never thought they would go through all this pain. They never wanted to face the agony, the guilt, the frustration, the depression, and the heartache they have been forced to encounter.
Now, before you kill yourself, think about it.
You matter so much to so many people.
There are so many people that will miss your smile, your laugh, the way your eyes lit up when you are happy. Do you want to take that away from everyone? From yourself? Never getting to smile ever again, or see the person that makes your heart skip a beat, never get to live? Dont do that to yourself. You have so much to live for. If you havent already, do you really want to miss the opportunity to meet your true friends? Have your first kiss? Fall over heals in love? Get your heartbroken again and again? Go to college? Get an A+ on that final you studied for days on end for? Get married? Have children?
So before you slit your wrists, or swallow those pills, or hang that rope around your neck and jump from that chair. Think twice, take a deep breath, you are worth more than this. ❤
Wow, that was a lot to type. This took approximately 2 hours to type. Probably because im a slow typer. ._.
