But This Just Wasn't Any Kiss (I Hope You're Still Not Over This)

Let's Cut to the Chase

"Renaldo, I need you to teach me how to kiss."

Naldo put down the beaker he was looking at and changed his gaze to Barry with wide eyes. They had been experimenting in the Winnebago trying to figure out some adhesive thing. Naldo didn't really know. He just stood about and followed instructions. This sudden request from Barry had come out of absolutely and took Naldo aback.

"What?" he asked, bemused.

"Marci and I have been dating for awhile, and we have yet to have experienced our first kiss. Studies show that couples typically have their first kiss after two dates, and our third date is coming soon. What if she wants to kiss me? I'm not ready for that! What if she tries to kiss me and an alien invasion occurs? Or the robot apocalypse finally happens? Or--"

Naldo placed his hands on Barry's shoulders. "Barry, calm down. Sure, I'll show you how to kiss. It's simple really." He brought him over to the table by the window and sat down. "It's all in technique. You gotta watch for signals. But be careful, cause girls can be really confusing sometimes." Barry got a notebook and began writing down Naldo's tips. "So, when you see her giving you signs--for example, eye contact or if she looks at your lips, or especially if you see her leaning in, you don't wanna be that idiot that just stands there when she's already halfway there--that's how you know it's okay. Then you lean in slowly, close your eyes, and kiss her. Now, some extra tips just to make it even better."

Barry put his hands up and waved them to show Naldo to stop talking. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down! I don't understand any of this!"

Naldo shrugged. "Don't worry, Barry, you'll get it soon enough."

****************

He did not get it soon enough. In half an hour, they had brought in a blackboard with "Guy's Guide to Kissing Your Girl" written across the top, featuring multiple illustrations about the perfect head angle to avoid nose clashing, what do with your hands, the appropriate length of time for the kiss to last so it's not awkward and you can breathe, the principles of timing for breathing, proper preparations--mint, chap stick, et cetera--and the perfect location and time to do it. And all Barry had in his notebook was a giant question mark. There were dolls--action figures, dolls are for girls and weirdos--strewn about the floor from multiple demonstrations. When Barry had tried to participate, the dolls somehow wound up with their heads switched around.

"And always remember, never go too far north of the Equator," Naldo finished. "Any questions?" Barry just stared at him in confusion. Naldo sighed. "You still don't get it?" He stood next to the table that Barry was still sitting in.

"Yes! This is all Greek to me," Barry exclaimed as he stood up and threw his hands up exasperatedly. "Actually, I know Greek, so this is more like Klingon."

"Barry, it's really not that hard!"

"Yes, it is! You're so good with girls, and...and I'm not."

"Barry..."

"No, Naldo, I don't want anymore lessons."

"Oh my god, Barry, it's not that big of a deal!"

"Yes, it is! This is my first kiss ever! That's pretty special!"

"For Pete's sake, Barry, it's just--" Naldo grasped Barry by the hips and pulled him in for a deep kiss. Barry's eyes widened in surprise before he closed them and allowed himself to get lost in the kiss. He moved his lips against Naldo's and cupped Naldo's face with his hands. Soon, Naldo slowly pulled away.

"See? It was only a kiss. And you were great." He smiled brightly.

"So...it goes like this?" With that, Barry leaned in again and connected his and Naldo's lips. Naldo smiled into the kiss and reciprocated it.

"Yes, just like that."

Barry smirked. "I don't know, I still don't think I'm doing it quite right. Maybe I need some more...practice?" He flirted, fueled by a surge of confidence.

Naldo smiled at him. "Well, I suppose I could give you a few pointers."

Barry broke up with Marci that week.

FIN.