I Don't Know How Long I Can Keep Holding On

Chapter 12:

Its funny because every time I look at him everything just flashes back to last year. When every thing was good between us and there was trust and now there's nothing between us. Nothing at all. I always flash back to that moment when I get called to the office when Ash told her step mom about me wanting to commit suicide and the principal and counselor sat me down and talked to me and after they were done they asked me if he could come in because he's been asking about me. I never saw him cry before until then. I heard him cry over the phone but never I have I EVER seen him cry. My heart just broke because I hat making people cry and it was my fault he was crying. I always think about how as soon as we saw each other we hung and I told him I was so sorry. Because I knew right there that nothing would ever be the same between us again. But then I think about June 5th, 2015. 4 days before his birthday. He called my moms phone because at the time I didn't have a phone and they wouldn't let me stay home because of all that stuff. And I answered to him crying telling me that he couldn't do it anymore. I talked him out of killing himself or running away. Then I think about 8th grade when we walked around the track and talked about stupid stuff and personal stuff and.. just everything and I remember thinking that "I just want to stay in this moment forever" And I think about how two months ago either he would call or I would call at exactly 6:30 pm everyday and talk until 10. I just don't understand anymore. Sometimes I catch him looking at me in the middle of class but he never looks away or says anything. He just keeps staring and then a few minutes later he looks away. He's already replaced me with Gavn anyway. He doesn't need me anymore.

I know you probably get tired of me talking about him and I'm sorry...its just been on my mind so much the past few days and this is where I go and let my thoughts out.

-R