The Things I'd Never Say

May 11, 2016.

It feels like you're drowning. Except, you're surrounded by air. But the feeling doesn't go away. Which only makes it worse. The feeling of pressure, suffocation, the inability to move or think is constantly taking over. And you don't know why. You don't know what to do.
How do you stop the feeling when you're not actually drowning?
Does it stop?
Yes? No? Eventually?

I've learned the effects of this feeling, the consequences.

You sit in class with tears ready to spill over because the person who always swore to be your friend won't even look at you now. Won't even sit next to you. She now sits across the room surrounded by all the new people who make her happier than you ever did in 3 years.

And it hurts.

You want to scream when the pressure gets to be too much and you feel like clawing your insides out. You don't understand why your anxiety is eating you alive, but it's there and it's kicking. Kicking you when you're already down. People just keep putting more pressure, more problems on your shoulders and pushing you to your knees, forcing you to carry what seems like the weight of the world. And no matter how many times you beg for help, no matter how many times you fall, no one saves you, no one takes your hand to pull you above the waves and let you breathe.
Instead, they laugh and push you playfully telling you you're strong enough to do it alone.
And while you know deep down that you're strong enough, sometimes you don't want to be alone.

And it hurts.

You cry yourself to sleep because you fell in love with your best friend, the worst person to fall in love with because you can't have him. You missed your chance when you had it because you didn't think you deserved the love he wanted to give you. You convinced yourself you weren't capable of falling in love or being in love and therefore, pushed any guy who liked you away because you didn't think you deserved them. They needed someone who could express their love for them. And you couldn't do that because you were afraid to feel, to feel something so powerful as love that could change you because you hated change. But he stayed. He stayed through the fights and the laughter, even when his own depression got to him. He didn't pity you or patronize you. He just held you and let you cry and then reminded you how strong you were. And without even realizing it, you fell in love. Subconsciously and without even noticing.
Until one night after praying for his safety did it pop into your head randomly just as you were falling asleep that you loved him.
Your eyes snapped open and you started hyperventilating because you did what you swore you never would do. You fell in love with someone. Your best friend out of all.
And you cried yourself to sleep that night because you were too late.
If only you realized sooner.
Before he found a girl who did express her love. Before he found someone who is the new and better version of you. In fact, you and this girl are so similar that you wonder whether he chose her because she reminded him of you.
And it makes you cry harder because no one is to blame but you.
You had your chance and you missed it.
You missed him.

And it hurts.

You notice that your friends are distancing themselves from you. Everyone is drifting.
Away, from you.
People start whispering that you weren't as good of a friend as you thought you were. You weren't enough for them, not kind enough, understanding enough, smart enough, pretty enough, patient enough.
You weren't enough and every day there was always someone to remind you of it. And you let them because you told yourself you deserved it. You deserved everything because you weren't a good person like you fooled yourself into thinking.
But, one day it got to be too much and the anxiety attacks started.
You came home with your knees shaking before they buckled beneath you and you slid down the bathroom wall, your fist in your mouth so your brothers wouldn't hear your heart breaking. Wouldn't hear the painful sobs that wracked your body. Wouldn't hear your hyperventilation.
You stayed there on the floor for hours, rocking back and forth, as the tears slid down your cheeks.
And soon enough, these attacks started happening every day after school.
It was a routine. Go to school, get pushed around, come home, cry until you couldn't feel.
And you told no one.
You pretended it wasn't happening.
You were so consumed with the anxiety that you started forgetting to eat.
You became thinner, paler, and sicker.
You didn't care because you deserved it.
You were heartless and cruel and incapable of being loved.
And you deserved it.
The anxiety started getting in your dreams. People with loud voices and violent swings shouted your insecurities and flaws at you until you were driven mad.
The dreams got so bad, you stopped sleeping.
The bags under your eyes became so purple you spent so much money using up all the concealer you could to hide them.
But no amount of concealer could hide the emptiness that wracked your body.

And it hurts.

It all hurts so much to the point where you think you might actually die from the heartbreak. And it is in these moments where it seems like goodness is not present in anyone or anything.

But it is.

That emptiness you feel will eventually disappear. That drowning that stops your lungs from moving, will eventually stop.
Those thoughts, that anxiety, it's only temporary.
And for now, you wish you could crawl under the covers and never feel or think again.
But you deserve better than that.
Those people, what they're saying.
That's their problem and their fault.
You are a good person and always have been.
They don't have the right to take that away from you.

Smile at your lost friend sitting across the room because she's probably just as unhappy as you are and misses you just as much.

Let the anxiety rip you to shreds and bury you. But then remember to rise again. Remember you are stronger than a mere feeling. You are the one in control, not the anxiety you have let rule over you for so long.

Wish your best friend, the person you fell in love with, well. Continue to pray for him. If he loved you before, there's a part of him that still does. That girl he loves now is not you, no matter how much she may seem like you. You are different and just as worthy of love. Write him a letter when you're ready. Be open and be honest. Thank him for being your friend and for caring when no one else did. Tell him you're in love with him.
He deserves to know.
But wait for the right time.
Don't ruin him or confuse him.
Let him be happy with his girlfriend. His happiness is important too.
But don't forget to write that letter.
Wait for the right moment.
You'll recognize it when it comes.

Hug those mean friends. Hug them and tell them you love them and then, move on.
Let them go.
If they are your real friends, they'll fight for you, they'll come back.
And if they don't, it's not your fault.
You tried. And sometimes that's all you can do.
Believe in the power of friendship.
Let the real friends in. Be open with them. They're the ones who have your back.
Even if it's only until you graduate.
Don't let them go.

And above all, take care of yourself.
At the end of the day, all you have is yourself.
You have to be happy with who you are.
You have to love yourself above all.
And even when you don't and nobody else seems to love you either, God is always there.
Loving you.
Waiting to reach beneath the waves and pull you to the surface.
You just have to trust and believe.

And above all, you have to breathe.

Because you aren't drowning.
The air is all around you.

Now, fight for it.

S.