Why You

1.33 <3

  I don't exactly know how to write this. It feels physically impossible for me to explain myself. My thoughts go too fast for my hand so I either write something incomprehensible or I forget to write down the important words. The words that I hope would make you not hate me, even though I'm sure you're confused already.

  There are a million ways to say goodbye. You could whisper it, and hope that the shake in your voice isn't broken enough to where no one hears you. Or you could write it in a letter. And let the black text forever be imprinted into the thin fabric. And wonder how something so innocent could permanently hold so much pain.

  I'm trying to make this short. But I'll probably start to ramble about life, and darkness, and languages, and people, and the type of love where it's destroyers both of the lovers.

  I'm sure you know me well enough to where you know where this is going.

  And I'm sure you know me well enough to know what I have edited this almost a hundred times and it still doesn't sound right.

  And I'm sure you know me well enough to understand how stupid I feel right now as I'm trying to convey my feelings and thoughts through an inanimate object.

  But that's how most people convey things; through inanimate objects. That what I'll miss the most, I think. It's amazing, isn't it? How we can take something with no meaning at all, and make it into a mass of meaningful words and symbols.

  Every since I was little, I've always loved the stars. I love how they could be dead and alive at the same time. I love how they are able to hold so much beauty and wonder. Lucky little bastards, if you ask me.

  Scientist say that we can only see 4% of the universe. And the other 96% is full of things we can't comprehend; a mix of things we can't see or feel. It's invisible, blunt, makes you question everything, and gives you so many different answers.

And I grew to understand that everything changes.

  Stars will slowly disappear and will be replaced by darkness. The moon is just a cut-out crevice of what it will never be, and everything behind that is a mass of indescribable oblivion that not even astronomers or astronauts can fathom. It's a little scary to think about, right? How giant the universe is, how little we are, and how little we know about it?

  I'm not expecting you to understand, because no one ever will. I tried to explain it to so many people. Maybe it was the words I used, but no one understood. And my overwhelming thoughts flooded my mind and destroyed what sanity I had left.

  Since I can't really explain this whole ramble I have just written, I will try to explain this note you have so carefully read.

  I think we are, and always will be, alone. Even the brightly shining moon and stars are alone. We will never starve our loneliness, just like the universe above us will never starve it's own loneliness, but we can always hope that the company of others will distract us from our loneliness. We will hope and dream that the people around us will maybe make us feel loved and needed, as they are wishing for the same dream.

  I've never exactly had that love. Or that hope. Maybe I did, or do, but I had made up my mind before I noticed it.

  I find this very difficult to write down, because I know you won't understand the way I want you to; but I'm doing this because I feel that up there, I will make a very bright star. You won't be able to see me, because it takes light years for light to travel to Earth. But it gives me comfort that someone will see me.

  I feel so horrible saying all this, because I know someone has loved me, does love me. I feel like a total douchebag. Please know that I didn't feel lonely around you, you fulfilled me, really, but I'm talking about a loneliness not everybody can comprehend. Like the universe. It's the kind of loneliness and sadness that sticks around because you don't belong where you are.

  The people you are surrounding yourself with are not what should be, and it's not horribly wrong but there's still something there, always feeling different, misplaced.

  I hope you understand me, somewhat, because I don't want you to hate me. I can't bear the thought of you hating me and then blaming yourself. My time came before yours, and that's okay. Don't try to speed your time up to be with me, because you might miss something grand.

I will leave a quote at the bottom of this letter. Please know that even though it may last forever yours doesn't have to.

  As I am writing this, I am torn between looking at the dark blue night sky, with purple clouds floating along; and looking at my life. But I have to go to a place where I belong.

«la tristesse durera toujours, mon amour»
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