Senseless

Simula

The rejections started when I was five years old.

"You can borrow my pencil if you want," pagmamagandang-loob ko sa kaklase kong babae. Naputol ang dulo ng kanyang lapis at kitang-kita ko ang pagkataranta niya dahil dito. Ramdam kong maiiyak na ito,

I observed the girl. She's got colorful clips pinning back her braided hair and multi-colored plastic bangles hanging around her wrist. She's also wearing pink plastic star-shaped earrings. Wala na sigurong mas kikikay pa kay Clarisa Monte. Maliban sakin, syempre.

Nilahad ko sa kanya ang extra kong lapis na may disenyong Barbie. I'm a generous girl. Most of the time, that is.

Pinasadahan ako ni Isa ng tingin mula ulo hanggang paa at inirapan ako. "No thanks," she replies with her nose scrunched as if nandidiri siya sa cute kong lapis.

"But I j-just thought you needed one," sabi ko naman, stuttering in surprise. Surprise, not intimidation. I will never.

"From you? Wag na lang." Inismiran niya ako.

Something pinched my heart when she said that. What's wrong with my pencil? What's wrong with me? Ito ang unang beses na tinanggihan ako. I only wanted to help!

Nasundan ito noong Grade 3 ako.

Hingal na hingal ako dahil nag-audition ako para sa isang group dance competition. Anim na dancers lang ang kailangan. Labin-lima kaming sumali sa screening. Kabadong-kabado ako kasi dalawang slot na lang at mauubusan na ako.

Hinihila-hila ko ang arm-length kong pigtails sa sobrang pagkakabahala.

"The last pupil who gets to join the competition is..." Nag-momentary pause ang bakla kong teacher na siyang maghahandle sa dance participants. You know, just for the drama of it all.

Mas lalo akong kinabahan. Sinamahan pa ng pag-drum roll ng iilang mga estudyanteng nakiusyuso sa audition.

"Isa Monte. Congratulations everyone."

What?! Di ako kasali? Ilang araw akong nagpractice ng routine ko. Bigay na bigay ako noong nag-audition ako.

Di naman magaling si Clarisa! Everyone knows she's hiding under her lola's skirt, iyong Principal namin. Nabanas ako. So now, connections beat talent? Wow.

"Best, okay lang 'yan. May next time pa naman." An arm draped around my shoulders. Best friend ko, si Basty.

Nakabusangot kong hinarap ang kaibigan ko. "I hate this! I hate them! Palagi na lang talaga!" Pagdadabog ko.

"Calm down."

"Palibhasa kasi ikaw, nakapasok. Ako, hindi!" paratang ko kay Sebastian.

It's so easy for them to comfort me and tell me that it's okay. It's not okay! I am not okay!

Grade 6 ako noong napagtanto kong talaga sigurong rejection-prone ako. That or talagang mapanghusga lang talaga ang mga taong nakapaligid sa akin.

Chine-check ng guro namin sa Writing ang aming activity. Kami namang mga estudyante ay gumagawa ng requirements namin sa ibang subjects. It's that time of the year. Signing of clearance.

"Huy, pakopya ng mga sagot mo sa English, ah?" ani Kristal na seatmate ko.

"Oo ba, basta ikaw bahala sa History," sagot ko naman. Aba't di naman pwedeng ako lang ang nagbibigay dito. Dapat may natatanggap din ako.

"Sali niyo naman ako dyan! Ako sasagot sa Math exercises!" singit ni Joseph nang narinig ang usapan namin.

"Oh sige."

Maya't-maya'y may nakikisali sa aming cheating arrangement. Ayos lang naman siguro ito dahil hindi naman gagraduhan ang mga ito. This only for the sake of compliance. No harm will be done.

Nagkanya-kanya kaming sagot sa mga assignment namin.

At dahil ako ang sa English ay medyo hindi ako nahirapan. Subject-verb agreement. Sentence construction. Sentence patterns. Gender of nouns. Easy.

Habang nagshi-share kami ng mga sagot ay bigla akong tinawag ng guro namin at may sinabi siyang hinding-hindi ko makalilimutan.

"Amanda, you don't write well?"

Natahimik ang buong klase.

What kind of insult is that? Constructive criticism? More like destructive! And no, I do not not write well. I have my own font, bitch.

Pati ba naman handwriting ko, pinupuna? Pati ba naman sa simpleng paggamit ko ng aking kanang kamay ay nakikitaan ng mali?

People always see other people's flaws. They scrutinize you like a damn lab rat and when they find the slightest mistake, they reveal it to the world like it's a big deal. And what's become of you? Wounded. Cut in half by their surgical knives. They don't even stitch you back into your old self, so you do it on your own.

I've been rejected many times in my still short life, but I have not become immune to them at all. How could you not feel pain when people ignore you? When they refuse? When they judge?

Hindi manhid ang tawag sa di makakaramdam ng sakit. Ang tawag sa kanila, plastik. Plastik sa sariling emosyon. Sila iyong mga pa-hindi affected pero deep inside, sinasakmal na pala sila.

I don't like those kind of people. What's wrong with showing your emotions? What's wrong with making other people know that they hurt you and that you're offended? Kung hindi ikaw ang magpapamukha sa kanila ng kanilang kagaguhan, eh sino?

This is why I get mad and I never fail to show my anger. And when I'm hurt, I cry. I cry every time.

No one has the right to hurt me! To ponder upon my own mistakes and flaws! Ako lang. No one is allowed to hurt me but myself.

You don't want my pencil? I'm not the better dancer? I don't write well? I'm not good enough? Ano pa? Sige pa! Fire away, assholes!

The assholes didn't fail me.