Senseless

Chapter 9

Regret

Dinig ko ang tibok ng puso ko. Wala itong permanenteng ritmo. Mabilis, humihina, tapos bumibilis ulit. I'm a nervous wreck and it's so hard to show the people that I'm not. Confidence is five percent. Five percent. Alalahanin mo 'yan, Amanda.

I flashed the audience an open-mouthed smile as I walked in the middle of the aisle.

Patuloy ang aking pagrampa nang nakarinig ako ng nakakabinging sigaw. "GO AMANDA!"

At the very back, I see my friends holding up a streamer that said AMANDA IS THE QUEEN. Supportive, as always. At dahil doon ay tila napawi ang lahat ng kaba at hiya sa sistema ko.

I confidently made my way back up the stage. Di ko alintana ang bigat ng 5-inch heels ko. It felt like I was floating- carefree and not worried at all.

Sumali ako sa United Nations pageant ng paaralan. Bawat section ay kinailangang pumili ng studyanteng magrerepresenta. The countries were distributed and assigned through the drawing of lots. My classmates chose me.

I was wearing a white Egyptian gown accented with gold designs. Mayroon din akong Cleopatra headdress na personal naming ginawa ni Mommy.

When I reached the center of the stage, I raised my arms up to shoulder level, which made the golden make-shift sphinx wings flap open. Dinig ko ang malakas na palakpak ng aking mga kaklase at kaibigan, pati na rin at ng mga hindi ko kakilala.

I put in a lot of effort for this- mostly financial. Pinatahi pa namin ni Mommy ang costume ko at naghire pa kami ng stylist para ayusan ako at i-assist sa backstage. Wala namang outfit change kaya puro retouch na lang ang nangyayari sa likod.

This is the first time I've ever joined a pageant and I am more than determined to win. Gusto kong ipakita sa kanilang lahat at sa sarili ko na kaya ko.

Napabilang ako sa Top 10. Noong tinawag na ako para sa Question and Answer portion ay bumalik ang kaba ko. Namamawis ang aking mga palad na ngayo'y nakakapit sa aking bewang. I walked to the mic stand. Nilapitan ako ng dalawang emcee.

"Wow, Ms. Egypt! You're a goddess!" sabi ng lalakeng emcee. I know, right? Ka-batch ko 'to. He's good-looking.

Kung posible pang mamula sa nakakakabang sitwasyon ko ay kamatis na siguro ang mukha ko. "Thank you," sabi ko.

"How do you feel? Are you nervous?" tanong niya.

"Not at all, actually," I lied confidently before putting on my smile.

"Okay, if that's the case, pick your question."

Kumabog ang dibdib ko. Pinasok ko ang kamay ko sa glass bowl na pagbubunutan ng questions. Please be easy. I fished around the bowl for a couple of seconds before pulling out a single folded paper.

Pinasa ko ito sa emcee. Sa sobrang kaba ay napa-sign of the cross ako sa harapan. This gained a hearty laugh from the audience. I blushed in embarrassment and then, immediately scolded myself mentally for being embarrassed.

What's wrong with showing a little faith?

The emcee asked the question. Something about world peace. Di ko maalala. Pati sagot ko ay di ko maalala. Words just stringed into sentences that I really don't remember. All I know is I earned a deafening round of applause and that was when I was sure that I'll win this thing.

Pagkatapos ng pageant ay maraming lumapit sa akin para magpapicture. Pinalibutan ako ng lima kong babaeng best friends- Jenna, Herschel, Reina, Moira, at Porsh.

"Hoy! Ang ganda mo! Nakakaleche!" sambit ni Jenna sabay lagay ng mga palad sa magkabilang-pisngi niya.

"Of course," sagot ko. Tumawa naman si Reina sabay sabi "Conceited!"

"It's called confidence," sagot ko naman.

Naging close kaming anim noong Grade 9 bago magsummer. Pinaupo kami ng adviser next to each other thinking that matatahimik ang klase sa ganoong arrangement. Inilayo ang mga magbarkada, pero agad naman kaming nag-click kaya ayun, mas lalong umingay ang klase. Wrong move, Ma'am.

Ngayong Grade 10 na kami ay hindi na kami mapaghiwalay. We did everything together and we supported each other with whatever.

Of course, Basty's still has his throne as my guy best friend. But it's different, you know- having friends with the same preferences. And by preferences, I meant mga lalake.

Nakita kong lumapit si Sebastian papunta sa amin. "Best! Congrats! Ganda mo! I didn't recognize you for a second there," sabi niya.

I jokingly flipped my hair. "I know right."

Binatukan niya ako. "GGSS!"

"Hmmm. May right naman siya," sabi ni Jenna. True.

Kumain kami sa Ice Giants pagkatapos as my treat. Wala naman talaga akong plano kaso mapilit ang mga patay-gutom kaya napasubo ako. Good thing Mommy's very supportive kaya binigyan niya ako ng perang panlibre sa mga kaibigan ko.

"Congratulations again," wika ni Basty habang naglalakad kami pauwi sa bahay. I smiled in gratitude and hung myself around his arm and rested my head on his shoulder.

Malamig ang simoy ng hangin. It's cold, yet my bestfriend's warmth enveloped me entirely. The sky is dark, yet the white lights from the houses' windows and the orange ones from the streetlights illuminated the way. No imbalance.

Just perfect.

Naalala ko iyong araw na nawarak ang puso ko. It was just puppy love, but love nonetheless. It was my first heartbreak, but not my first rejection so I didn't think it would hurt that much. Akala ko sa pagkasanay kong ma-reject ay hindi na ako masasaktan.

That day, Basty's smile fell from his face when he saw that I was distraught. He need not ask. Agad niya akong tinungo at hinagkan. I hid my face in his chest as he walked me somewhere. All rational thought left me so I couldn't figure out where we were going.

I remember crying. Hard. I remember Sebastian's shirt- drenched in my tears. I remember getting in a cab and spilling my brokenness on its leather seat. I remember getting off. I remember tasting the saltiness of the air as I sat on white sand with my best friend.

We didn't talk. Minutes turned to hours and the sun fell from the sky. Day turned to night as we sat there, silent and still. The tide became high and the water reached our soles, but we didn't move. My eyes felt heavy from all the crying.

I don't remember going home that night. I don't remember sleeping a single wink.

I remember cursing Kier Montecillo a million times over and over. I wished to not see him again. The heavens answered my prayer at lumipat siya ng school for senior high school. Di na ako nag-abalang alamin kung saan. I don't care anymore. Pinipigilan ko ang sarili na maligaw sa social media accounts niya.

Walang ibang nakaalam sa nangyari. I made a pact with Basty that no one else should ever know.

Tinapon ko sa dagat ang jersey noong gabing iyon. I watched the waves take it away and let the ocean devour it out of sight.

If only I could toss my feelings like that to spare me from all the hassle of heartbreak, I would have. It took me much willpower to move on, especially because people still pushed me because they didn't know.

But I did, eventually. I vowed to make them see what they wasted. And they will regret. I will make them regret.