lonely // POERTY

10

i never wanted to fall in love, because I knew that once I got in there would be no way of getting out. and thats what I feared. that's what I always feared. I fear the pain, I feared the amount of hurt that would happen. this is why I stuck to my fictional characters. maybe because my "love life" with them wouldn't change my whole world like you do.

you do things to me that I can't even explain. just the thought of you can send my heart into over drive. the sound of your voice drives me insane. the feeling of when i'm around you drives me to a nomadic point which both dazzles and dizzies me.

the pain is unbareable. when my heart literally rips apart. it's like nails scratching away the inside of my stomach. it's sitting in a bathtub and crying my heart out screaming out blaming myself. it's having cuts on my thighs. it's having my body now tremble and shake like I'm having a seizure because it hurts so much. but you're not to blame for this. it's not your fault.

you hurt me in so many ways. but it's okay. it's all okay. it's okay for you to hurt me the way you do. it's okay for you to do this to me. to make me want to add more tally marks to my body. because those marks are reminders of how much I screw up. of how stupid I am to ever think that you will ever in the slightest bit love me. so don't worry, its okay for you to do this to me.

people tell me that I will find some one better than you or that I will love someone more than I love you. but truth is, I don't want to. I don't want to love anyone else. I don't want lose my feeling for you. I just want to love you and you only. not some other person that could possibly be better than you. because that's not irrelevant to me. because you are what I need. baby are what I want. maybe it's because of my stubbornness or because of my desire to never let go of you.

i have tried and tried to get over you but I can't. what is it about you that I can't erase?