Oh, Daddy! [JUNGKOOK 21+]

ONE

Leilani's POV
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I woke up around 4:30, in the morning, panting and screaming, whimpering in invisible pain. I just wanted the nightmares to stop and not chase me till dark.

I just wanted it to stop.

I calmed herself from my rough breathing that came out as pants. With shaky hands, I took my waterbottle from the table across my bed, and swallowed the contained. While thinking about my past, and all those bad memories that it bought.
While analyzing my past, I didn't even realise when the warmth of my tears greeted my cheeks.

No, Leilani. No. You are stronger than this. No. Don't cry.

I just wanted to live without fear and sleep without screams. Was it too much to ask? I questioned God.

Why was there unbearable pain inside my heart, that only crept in the shadows of the dark,  when I was alone and no one to ask?

I just wanted it to stop.

But the nightmares would follow me whether I was asleep or awake, whether it was night or day.
Nightmares had no bounds and I knew that.

Leilani knew that.

But I just wanted it to stop.

Warmth of my tears didn't seem to fade away, but somehow I managed to wipe it with anger, sadness and frustration. I knew that I will never be the same after what happened to me. After what he did to me.

I rushed to the bathroom to give myself  "The pep talk". I knew that there was no point in Moving on, but I still wanted to believe that there was someone out there, who would rescue me and love me tremendously, no matter how damaged I was.

I wanted to believe, even if there was no hope.

I wanted believe that there was love.

I splashed some water on my face. Wiped it with my bare hands and stared at myself in mirror.
The girl in the mirror was a short chubby girl with dull blue eyes, messed up hair and chubbiness everywhere. There was nothing perfect about her. Nothing.

I didn't like this girl.

I didn't like me.

Every day, I would tell herself that it didn't matter, cause now he was out of my life, that I would spend my remaining days in peace.

Or at least that's what I pretended to be.
I Pretended that he didn't exist, that I was safe, that I would remain alive.

I just wanted to stop.

My tears didn't seem stop, they flowed nonstop, making my eyes red and puffy and my nose pink.

I stripped naked out of big t-shirt, filled the tub with hot water and stank myself in it. My body relaxed for a while. I hoped that I would soon forget it.

Or most importantly, forget him.

But deep down, I knew it was a joke. An ugly joke called life, that I didn't want to be part of.

I very well knew that I wouldn't forget, and even if I did, my scars wouldn't let me.

I wasn't safe, I wasn't alive, and he, defiantly existed, even in my nightmares.

But I chose to pretend.

I chose to pretend to be happy.

My body needed relief and needed sleep. But everytime, I laid myself on the bed, I would always feel him watching me, staring at my body as if seeing right through my clothes.

My breath would be caught in my throat, and soon I would be repeating the whole routine,  screaming, crying and at last sinking myself in a hot bath till the dawn.

I knew that I was on the verge of becoming depressed-N-insomic-R-U? My body wanted sleep, but I couldn't. At least not in the dark, not alone on that bed.

Believe it or not, I tried my best to shrug it off, I tried to move on, I busied myself in work and college, barely giving myself time to bink, but every time I did, I won't go far, I would be still trapped with the monsters of my mind, playing another sick trick on me.

My blood shot eyes opened and I sighed at the sight of my chubby legs and thighs.

I examined my body, to look for one thing that would make me feel attractive, but instead my eyes fell on the chubbiness of thighs, waist and tummy, I even had shoulder and arm fat for crying out loud!

How could I expect a man to love me with all this? My eyes traced my body with frustration and disgust.

" No man would want her. "

And I bloody knew it by heart. I  closed my eyes for a moment and begged my mind to not give me more reasons to hate myself.

I knew that, he was not the only reason behind my fears, but I was.

I was behind my own fears, I would not let myself to move on, I would try to pinpoint my insecurities, my weakness, and drag myself in the unfathomable space.

Even with my friends, and my so called dates, I didn't feel alive or safe, so I became what I feared the most.

Someone fake.

I would plaster a smile and walk down the hallway with attitude to keep my head high, when I was just screaming inside, begging to forget.

I would get drunk on every weekend in my house, in my bathtub, to shut my brain out. And again go back to my life while I was clearly living hell inside.

It was not like I didn't had friends, I had a ton, but sometimes they are just not enough to pull you out, sometimes you just need some special someone to give you a push and kick you in the butt for staying depressed for this long.

The fact was, I was not fine. I had body issues after his pathetic insults, I had insecurities after his angry words. The thing was, I didn't knew if I was strong enough.

Strong enough to survive.

I tried. I really tried. But I couldn't. I just wanted someone to hold my hand and show me the way, force me to feel, make me happy. I wanted someone to make me theirs and in return I wanted them to be mine.

She just wanted to be loved...........