The Slut, The Good Girl, and Other Imaginary Creatures

Definition of "Slut"

The first time someone called me a "slut," I wasn't quite sure what it meant.

I had developed breasts before most of the other girls in my class, and it felt like everyone had noticed. Most of my peers were curious about puberty, and my body was an everyday symbol of what their futures might look like, from the panty liners I stored in my cubby to the smattering of zits across my forehead. But my breasts were, it seemed, my most important quality. Unlike panty liners or zits, they could not be stashed discreetly in my backpack or hidden behind poorly executed bangs. Despite my efforts to smash them into a single, inconspicuous uni-boob beneath a sports bra, my breasts were always very much there. To my classmates, they were my defining quality.

It didn't help that my family had moved to town right before fifth grade started for me, so I hadn't had the chance to establish myself as anything other than "that girl with the boobs." And now, apparently, I was a "slut."

The next time someone called me a "slut," I had a clearer idea of its definition. I still wasn't allowed to watch PG-13 movies and my television options were limited by a code my parents had used to block every channel other than PBS and Nickelodeon, but I was an avid reader. I devoured books at a pace that made it impossible for my parents to exercise the same level of censorship as they did regarding what I watched, and even fiction intended for my age group included a fair amount of slut-shaming. So by the time my sister and I figured out my parents' TV code and started sneaking MTV when they weren't home, I already knew from the books I read that a "slut" was something dirty, humiliating, and immoral. It was something I didn't want to be.

I don't remember the third, fourth, or hundredth time I was called a "slut." Over the next few years, I heard that word almost as often as I heard my name, and I came to understand what it meant. If you had asked me to define "slut" when I was thirteen, I would have told you that it meant a girl anyone could touch. A girl no one wanted to be friends with. A girl people flirted with, but not in a way that felt good. A girl like me.

Now, I'm called a "slut" nearly every day online by people who don't know me. Given what I've observed about this word's definition, I have to admit my confusion when it's used to describe me at this point in my life. I am married. I am monogamous. Over the past five years, I have had sexual interactions with exactly one person. So I've had to expand my understanding of what "slut" means to include a woman who talks about sex. A woman who acknowledges sexual pleasure. A woman who smiles on the internet.