Midnight Thoughts

Chapter 1: Terror

I've been sitting here for two hours now. Holding a razor in my hand, I looked back at my past. Beatings. Screams. Cries. They flooded my mind. Each thought made me slash my arm. Everything I thought I've done wrong, deserved one cut. One open cut. I slashed my arm; because I cried. Another one; lying to myself. Once again; pretending to be happy.

"What am I doing with my life?!" I repeated again and again.

"I'm already dead."

"No one cares."

"What if they betray me like how... how my "past" did?"

These are the voices that speak in my mind. Every. Single. Second. I sulk in my room, and I get mad at myself for being so weak. I try to make up reasons on why I should die. I always tell myself to be happy. But no, it's not easy. Everyone tells me to "stop being so depressed" and be happy. It's not easy. It's like stabbing yourself with a knife and asking yourself to stop the blood from flowing out. It's like saying you'll recover an hour after getting into a severe accident.

Stop telling me to control my feelings. You just have to understand that it's not easy. People view me as an attention-seeker. "He cuts for attention...", "He cuts to show off..."

I've had enough of people who think that they know every little piece of shit in this world. These people seem to have perfect lives. They're happy, rich, have a loving family. They don't know how it feels like to be depressed. They don't know our true intentions when we harm ourselves. We, the Depressed Peeps, know exactly how it feels like so these I-know-everything-pants people need to shut it because they're in no authority to judge us. It's sickening to see people like these; who think that they know how it feels like to be this and that. No one can just change their mindset and their feelings at a snap of a finger. As I said, it's like stabbing yourself with a knife and expecting the blood to instantly stop flowing at a snap of a finger. I know that I'm judging these shitty people but they simply do NOT know what we feel. Thus, they are in no grounds to judge us "petty beings". Why petty? No one simply gives a damn about us. We don't matter to anyone. At least, me.

Fine, maybe not petty. There are people who care. Or at least pretend to care. These people are the Actors. I've had people like that before. Lots. Maybe 90%. I DON'T KNOW. Yes, I'm looking at you JX. Seriously, I can't comprehend the world around me. Full of hypocrites. "I really care about you! Please don't hurt yourself!" Oh yeah? Look what you're doing behind my back, or should I say, RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! You go around telling people not to talk to me because of what I am? Ugh! How I detest these people. Seriously, if you don't give a single damn about me then avoid me. It's better getting hurt this way than finding out what your true views of me are deep into our "friendship". And worse, I've had cases where I found out from other people! Yes, JX. You again. How many times must you appear in the story? Oh yeah, there's A LOT.

And then there are the DEMONS. Why demons? These people are those who outright hurt the fuck out of me, physically, mentally, and even sexually. Dude. Back off. These people deserve to be where they belong, hell. Seriously, I feel like my parents belong here. Good thing I have created my own category for my parents. Anyways, these people are those, like I've said, who hurt me real bad. They hurl insults at me. Very. Mean. Ones. And they can slap me; beat me up; spit at me. Guess what? These people know where they are going anyway. Mind scrolling up? Hope not! Yes. YOU DESERVE TO GO TO HELL. JX. UGH. YOU AGAIN. OOPS. I'm not mean. You won't go to hell. I'll just let the One Above decide. These people aren't hypocrites. THEY OUTRIGHT HURT ME. AUCLUFLSUFLSUGSNSGNSGJSGIS.

Sorry. I lost it. And here. MY PARENTS. I won't even comment on where they should go. All I know is that I feel hurt. My parents. They claim that they've been good to me. That they're unbiased. That they treat my brother and I equally. However, I hate to break it, but obviously your attitude shows otherwise. Oops. Found another pair of hypocrites out of the box. And guess what? I came out of these hypocrites. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?

Just for your information, depressed people don't act like they are because they don't want to look like an attention-seeker. Back to my parents. Hypocrites, rather. "I care for you. I have unbiased love towards the both of you. You. John. I love you both equally and I'll treat you both equally and fairly." These were literally the last words I heard before getting whacked in the back because my brother was crying. Crying. WHAT?! What does that have to do with me?! Oh wait. When my brother cries, it means that I've done something to him?! Oh yeah. ANOTHER PETTY BEING. INTO THE ACTOR BOX IT GOES. Why it? I SWEAR, my brother can't be human.

And then there's the last category. Let me just tell you that these people are true to their word. They are genuine. They are an extremely rare breed and they're endangered. Extremely endangered. Near extinction. True friends. They might not show it but seriously, they care for me. I know it. They really do. I have a few of these people. Unfortunately, I have doubts. These people... maybe they don't care. Maybe they hate me. OMG. Argh. I'm sorry if you are genuine but seriously, I have doubts. JX. You again?! Because of you, I have fucking trust issues. Well, well. There's a lot to go...