Midnight Thoughts

Chapter 4: Rants

  A cold, windy morning greeted me as I woke up. Shoving away my blanket, I glanced out the window before heading down. The hallway seemed rather gloomy, unlike before when I used to be together with Lexuss. It's been a week. A week since she left me with tears welling in my eyes. A week since I begged her to come back. I had to respect her decision anyway. I was just her boyfriend, not her father or anything. I couldn't force her. I want her to be happy. If she wasn't happy with me she'd be happy with other men who'd love her more than I did.

  I couldn't stay in this house for long. I went back to my room and stared at the wall. Again, I was swimming in a pool of thoughts. I wanted to rant to someone but of course, I couldn't. They'd get annoyed with me and accuse me of talking too much. They'd suspect foul play; fabrication. Honestly, true friends. Hard to find, hard to leave. They're almost extinct. The world is filled with empty promises. I always have doubts and it's annoying to deal with it. I just want someone to talk to and comfort me when I'm down. I can't bottle my feelings forever because someday the bottle's gonna shatter into a million pieces. Sometimes, you need to resort to drastic actions. Take self-mutilation as an example. It's something I have complete control over. No one's going to stop me from harming myself. I deserve the pain, too. For being such a worthless being. I'm wasting space on this planet. 'Reserve it for someone who deserves a slot on this planet,' some would say. But if you were to ask me, I wouldn't let anyone take my place because I won't let anyone else suffer.

  Seriously, give us a break. Please. Just stop being so insensitive because it's sickening. We're humans as well. We have feelings. Like every other being on earth. When we feel sad, don't judge us. We need time to ourselves so stop invading every single moment of my life like as if you don't have one.

  Depression. It's almost, inexplicable. It's so hard to describe how people feel when they're depressed; you have to experience it yourself. People don't understand how I feel. All they do is plop their petty asses on their couch and judge as. I just wanted to get something out: we're not attention-seekers, nor are we crazy; we're not depressed on purpose, it isn't our choice; it's society that usually makes us like this, and it's also society that usually makes things worse for us; we want to get better, but we can't so sometimes, we have to end our sufferings ourselves; we have to stop breathing and it's not a coward's escape, it's something we're technically forced to do. Society, we hate you for who you are and we want you to think of everyone before making our lives worse because if you get your life out of hand, you'll finally experience that shit you've been giving us.