I'm So Going to Regret This...

Heart, Why You do Dis to Me?????

I honestly have no idea why I think it's still update this thing. Perhaps my subconscious mind finds great joy in making me spill my insecurities out to the world where people can read them. Or, maybe, I'm trying to better myself as a person and a writer by communicating with my audience (that doesn't exist...), or be more like my best friend. Who knows? Surely not me.

Anyways, that's not what I want to talk about in this entry. As you might have guessed by the title, I will be talking about *pauses for dramatic effect* emotions!!

I hate emotions. Especially the ones I'm going through now. I feel so inadequate compared to the ones around me, especially when I'm in my gifted class. I just feel like I don't belong and never will...I know I'm changing as a person right now, and I really hope it'll make me better than I have been this past school year. I've caused so much hurt-for myself and others-and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've felt nothing but anger and annoyance towards everyone except for a special few people for the past four months or so. Now, though, all the anxiety, paranoia, and bad thoughts are coming back...I can feel myself slipping away into the darkness that encased me last year and took hold of my life. I'm not wanting to do anything bad, to those of my friends who may be freaking out at me right now. Sure, I've hurt myself in the past, but nothing too recent. It was all months ago. I have faint scars though...those remind me enough of what I've done.

Although I do feel sad sometimes, I have been feeling happy. That's mostly because of my friends and my dad...and this one little thing that I call a crush. I know I mentioned my crush in the past entry, but I really feel the need to talk about them now, particularly because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk about it to. All of my friends have their own problems and drama and I try not to plague them with mine.

So this crush...I've had it for a while, actually. Since the end of sixth grade, of you want specifics. Sure, I thought it had gone away, but I was so wrong. I had other crushes that were just as genuine this past year, but this one...it's different. I can tell. This person has been in my thoughts every hour of every day for at least a week. I know, I know, I sound like am overly-dramatic teenaged girl, but I think I should get a break every once in a while from the front I try to keep up around people. Anyways, this person. My gosh, this person. Just the slightest mention of their name can send my heart into a race and set butterflies free in my stomach. My mind ceases to think of them, and it's worse whenever I'm trying to go to sleep. Daydream after daydream goes through my head everyday. My heart aches for them...but I deny myself their company everyday because I have very little hope anything will happen, that we could be like we were before...My courage will never be enough for what I need to tell them face-to-face how I feel. I fear rejection from them so badly...and I feel as though they don't like me back..I don't blame them. As far as I know, (well, believe) they hate me. I just wish that I could hold simple conversation with them to know what each of us really think about each other. Oh, it would be a dream come true if I got to be with them...to be in their arms, to get to randomly hug them, to say that they were mine and I was theirs.

The worst thing is, they could be reading this right now, and I wouldn't know. If the subject were brought up by them tow in person, I'd probably freeze up or run. I just wish that I were better for this person...I do hope that they receive better than me for love. I'm not much of anything, I know that, but I don't think they know that...that he knows that. I care for him so deeply...and it's tearing my world up every time I see him. I'd text him, but feel guilty and that he's annoyed by me doing so. I'd give up anything to be with him again...and he doesn't know that.

I would like deeply apologize for all those who read that. I know I'm a bad writer, but this was out of desperation to get pent-up feelings out. I'm sorry for any inconvenience that I've caused anyone. If you read this with full intentions of originally doing so, thank you. If you are my friend and reading this, you must think I'm hella crazy and weird. And emotional. The truth is, I am. I have so many emotions, but I like to shut myself down sometimes so I don't feel them.

I'll stop ranting in this entry now. I'm too sleepy to continue anyways. Excuse me while I go bury myself under a pile of comfortable blankets and regret what I've done...Goodnight, carbon-based lifeforms of double x and x y chromosome origin. (In normal speak, that means "Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.")