I'm So Going to Regret This...

Stupid Brain...

Okay...So that whole "Q&A" thing didn't work out. I was kinda expecting that though, so it's okay. Maybe I'll try it again in the future, if you guys are okay with that. That's not why I'm writing this entry though. (Also, don't be surprised if you see cussing in this entry...Fair warning.)

So you guys know that I have "bad thoughts", right? Well, they're getting worse. It freaking sucks. I'm okay, it's just that I keep over thinking some things and causing myself to be a lot more anxious than I already am. And sure, I have friends that I can talk to about it, but they have their own issues, so I don't want to inconvenience them with mine. My friends are way more important to me than myself, so I'd rather help them than me.

Also, speaking of my friends, it's been brought to my attention recently that I come off a different way than I previously thought to those I care about.

Since some of my friends might be reading this, they might know what I'm talking about, but only one will truly know why I'm like that. Anyways, I'm not good with hugs and affection and stuff, or people touching me in general. Apparently, that is coming off in a direction that I did not intend it to be. I'm not a psychopath, I swear! Or anything close! I have empathy and I care about those I love, which includes my friends. And, in all honesty, I don't hate affection.

Okay, now let me explain myself. I freaking LOVE hugs, as well as cuddling. I'm okay with people showing affection towards me. In fact, it's one of my favorite things. It makes me feel loved and appreciated...However, I'm still getting used to it. My past...it hasn't been the greatest. That means that I've been through painful situations that were both physically and mentally abusing. Those situations have caused me to builds walls...to protect myself. I'm tired of being hurt, yet it's still happening...but not by the same person/people, thankfully. Also, I didn't receive a whole lot of affection when I was younger. My dad rarely hugs me, and my mom isn't around...but I'll talk about her another day. Still, though, my point is that I'm just not used to it. That doesn't mean that I don't like it. You're my friend and you want to hug me? Go ahead. Idgaf. I'll love it. I might tense up because I'm surprised, but I'll hug you back. I'm not that fucked up...

Another thing...My dad was on the phone with his newly made ex because she's apparently been antagonizing him and just being a bad person towards him. Naturally, they got into a fight...I'm not good with fights. Or loud sounds. Thankfully, my dad was in the fireplace room, which is across the house from the living room, where I was. This doesn't mean that I didn't hear him yelling though...Since I loathe fighting, I was already upset. Then I heard him yelling...that almost sent me over the edge. I teared up a little because I get pretty scared when people are mad. I really wanted to go run and hide...Instead, I tried to distract myself by watching some Bones, and it kinda worked. I was also texting my best friend, so that helped a little too. Then my crush texted me...My dad wasn't as worked up as before, so I had calmed down a little, but was still upset. I got to talk to my crush though, and that always makes me feel, at the least, a little bit better.

I kinda failed at talking to him though...I fail at talking in general though, so that's not a surprise. Honestly, I'm kinda failing at life right now, so yeah...Not fun. And a person who I previously thought was my friend just emotionally hurt me for the third time...almost as if he doesn't even register the fact that I am a living thing with feelings. He is truly a grade A jackass sometimes...Whatever. He and I are going to the same high school and have some of the same friends, so I'm just going to have to deal with him. I'll survive.

Another thing: The reason I'm writing an entry right now is because I can't sleep. My stupid brain refuses to stop thinking about what I told you guys above...And then, of course, there's the daydreams. My brain is basically saying, "What's this? You like someone? You want to sleep? HAHAHAHAHA no. You're going to think of them. Nonstop. And want to text them to make sure they're okay. And just talk to them in general. And have the feeling of being SUPER clingy and cuddly. But also overthink what you're doing and fail. You're welcome!!!! Oh, and don't forget to be awkward!!"

Sometimes, I really fucking hate my mind.

Well, I suppose I should sleep now...I don't really want to because I'm scared what I'll dream about if I do...I'll survive though. My sunburn hurts as well, so that's not really helping...

I'm so sorry, guys. I've just basically gone off on a tangent. However, it does give you guys late night reading material and an insight to what's been going in my life recently...Just please don't think I'm too deranged, okay?

Love ya guys. I'll try to provide a greater quality entry soon, 'kay?