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When one of us losing someone, we all feel the pain. Obviously for us it is just a shadow of what Ghost feels. Empathy runs deep amongst us all. That's apart of having this type of brotherhood that we all do. We will be there for each other no matter what. No secrets stay between us, and that's exactly why where I stood felt so wrong in my soul.
Ghost was still asleep on the bus. He cried himself to sleep last night. We all knew very well he needs his rest. Sleep is the one place that he doesn't have to be in pain. While he slept, we were all standing on the opposite side of the parking lot as where the bus was. There had to be a conversation had about this without Ghost around, but it feels so dirty to be sneaking around like this.
A scold must've been stuck on my face. I naturally have the male equivalent of resting bitch face, but the biting cold and underlining shadiness made it much worse. To ease my stress, I lit up. Chris gave me a side glance of contempt the second he heard my lighter. If he can go through life handling copious amounts of stress without a vice, more power to him. I'm not that strong though.
"This is going to wreck him." Ryan stated the obvious.
"It already did." I coldly replied as a puff of my smoke was dragged away by the wind, "And it's just going to continue to drag him down." My eyes drifted over to the bus.
Again, I felt like shit just leaving him there. What if he wakes up? How the fuck is he going to feel to wake up to an empty bus? He's going to feel like we all just abandoned him when he needed us the most. Maybe he'd be thankful to be left alone. It's hard to tell. He's not an easy to read person.
"The question then becomes, would it be in his best interest to let him continue to play or force him to take a break?" Chris said, "I know playing music could help him to heal, but the road is hard enough without having to carry a burden."
"Have you bothered to ask him?" Balz asked.
"He won't be thinking straight right now." I responded, catching a few looks from everyone for my tone of voice.
I'm a little pissy this morning, okay? Everything about this whole situation is making me uneasy. Even if he does go home to California, all he's going home to is a shitty boyfriend. If he stays a few weeks with his family in Colorado, he'll be surrounded by other sad people to remind him of his grandma. On the road, there is a lot to distract him, but it's not ideal to force him to burry away his issues through distraction.
"Maybe we should wait it out for today and see how he does between now and when he flies out tomorrow." Chris suggested. He turned his head towards me, "Sound good."
I sighed and threw my cigarette on the ground, stomping it out. "Sure." I muttered. Taking a look around, I saw a few establishments near the venue. Most importantly, an IHOP. I made a lazy gesture towards it, "Why don't you guys go grab some breakfast? I'm going to check on Ghost."
"Food sounds fucking fabulous." Ryan stated.
They turned to walk towards the restaurant. Vinny glanced back over his shoulder, asking, "You want us to bring you two anything back?"
"Yeah, please. Usual." I replied.
I've got high hopes that Ghost will even want to eat. There's something about loss that just makes your body shut down. They split off to cross the street. I walked back to the bus and climbed aboard. Ghost was just starting to get up. The poor thing looked like a hot mess. His eyes were worn from crying and his hair was a mess. I didn't know it was possible for him to be more pale, but he was.
"Hey pretty princess." I lightheartedly teased him, "How'd you sleep?"
"Okay." He murmured, "Where's the others?"
I nodded towards the window of the bus, "They went to get breakfast across the street. They're going to bring us something back if you're up to eating. I was just outside for a smoke for a minute though."
"Oh, okay." was all he said.
Our conversation died off. Ghost slowly sat down on the couch. He had a bad case of the stares. His eyes just stayed glued lowly. After a moment of peace, I found something to say.
"What time's your flight tomorrow?"
It took him a moment. He spoke, "10AM. Korel said we should be to Chicago at 6AM tomorrow, so it won't be a problem."
I cautiously sat down beside him. He seemed so fragile, more than normal. "I know you don't like cliché shit, but I'm still going to say it; You know if you need anything, anything, I'm here for you."
Light tears managed to finally poor out of his eyes. They were just waiting for the right moment to bust through. Ghost looked up at me with a flushed face and a forced smile. "It really does mean a lot, Ricky. Really. I... I don't know what to do. I feel lost an-... I just want to wake up and this all be a dream."
"I'm sorry this had to happen. I honestly... I'm not good at the feel better speeches. You know that." I reached up to his face and brushed his tears away with the pad of my thumb. "Maybe you should take a little break from touring to help you heal."
He sniffled, "I want to but I can't leave you guys without a bassist for the rest of tour."
"We will manage." I said, "No one can replace you, but we can survive on a fill in for a month. Your heart needs time to heal and it's not going to get that time on the road. We're constantly way too busy and if you come straight back to tour, all that hustle is just going to delay your misery."
"I, um... I thought about it last night. I thought about taking a break from the band in general... I just didn't want to leave you guys out to try like that if I went on hiatus for awhile."
"We might be cold hearted enough to scare small children and laugh about it, but we'd never fault you for needing time to breathe." I stated, which made him laugh a little.
His smile was beautiful. If only I could see it more. It seems he always has a reason anymore to feel pain. I've never had the chance to tell him how beautiful he is. Yeah, I joke around and call him pretty. He doesn't realize I mean it though. He's gorgeous and he'll never be able to think that when he looks in the mirror. At least, not with that jackass he's with. Why is it I'm the one sitting here comforting him while he hasn't heard shit from Keri?
Ghost delicately wrapped his arms around my neck in a hug. "Thank you, Ricky. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"The feeling is mutual." I whispered as I embraced him.
