My Story

The Drumsticks

I met her in 7th grade. As the certified band nerd, I took it upon myself to try and get to know everyone in my band. Her name is Shaunice, but I called her Shaun. We instantly became friends. We weren't close, but I liked her enough. And then in 8th grade, we became best friends. We were both president of the music club after all.

She was amazing at the drums. I would sit there everyday talking to her and watching her play. Then, I would steal her drumsticks and try to play. I never could. But she would sit with me and try to teach me how to play, even though I always failed.

Then she told me she was bisexual. And I didn't care. She was my best friend. We spent all of our time together when we could. She knew a lot.

She knew I was depressed, she knew I would cut my stomach, thighs, and wrists. She knew how my friends since elementary school were turning their backs on me. She knew I hated food and I hated myself. But she didn't care. She put up with me. We cared so much about each other. And she loved me.

I had not yet accepted that I was not straight. I hated the fact that this was something I was worried about at such a young age. And so I repressed it. I tried not to look at girls who were cute, and I spent more time with guys. But Shaun and I grew closer.

We acted like a couple. We would hold hands all the time. We would cuddle when we sat together. i never even realized that she liked me. Or that I loved her.

One night, we were watching movies with the music club at school. As we were cleaning up, she grabbed my arm and pulled me closer. I did not know what to do, but I did know that I wanted to kiss her. But I didn't. I gave her a big hug and went home.

Then the band went to Disney World. We spent all the time we could together. We went on the rides together, sat together at lunch,holding hands the entire time. I didn't know I was falling in love with her. So I let both of our feelings develop without interference.

And then I had to tell her I was moving. We hugged and cried and I knew this was the end. And the day that all of my friends came over to say goodbye. I pulled her to the side. We talked, and cried, and hugged. And then she told me she liked me. I had no idea this was all happening. And so, that night one of my biggest regrets happened.

I let her walk away without kissing her.

When I moved we kept in touch. I admitted that I liked her, and so we flirted with each other over text for months. And then she told me she couldn't keep being in love with a girl so far away. And I was broken. One of the only people I loved left. And so my walls slowly started building.

In the end, I was the one who hurt her. So I punished myself by not eating and by cutting.

I couldn't trust anyone at that point. I was heart broken. I was left with no one. It was just me.

And I hated it.