BATSHIT

Starting off with a blast (or not)

From my 7 years of experience in the vampire community, I can guarantee you that those disgusting rotting corpses are fucking assholes. Just like mortals. Living in this idiotic era of vampire glorification has seriously damaged my mental well-being. Every time I see some diehard twilight fan girl swaying over Mr sparkly tampon I have to resist the sudden urge to impale myself. Because quite frankly, this is not how it works. At all. It portrays us, 'creatures of the night', awfully.

First of all, why are vampires so damn glamorous, sexy and manipulative? You people need to make up your mind. Are we the bad guys or the good guys? Come on, find me a book slash movie where the vamp guy isn't a sexy lustful beast. Or the quiet emo kid at the back of the class hating on everything and anything, but still keeping that innocent facade until he finally explodes and sucks the blood out of everyone around him to the last drop while bathing in their misery after he sets the school on fire. Okay, I admit that was a little too far-fetched. No no, this is utter nonsense, was I trying to make a point?

Ah yes. We all know that one scrawny pale vampire, don't we?

I'm sorry to be the one breaking this to you, but we were once human and we are, in fact, people of colour and different shapes. And although I was gifted with lack of pigment and my skin is the colour of expired mayonnaise with a splash of light brown on top of it -not shit, I meant my hair, my hair- which means that I don't have to deal with racism, my girlfriend wasn't. And no, she doesn't have a thigh gap nor a flat belly, I've checked. Quite the shocker, huh?

What is wrong with you people? Vampires are just corpses. Empty shells of once completely normal people, not super models you can fap to however you please. Unless we're talking about actual models.

Anyway, her skin is darker and that leads to unwanted attention not only from racist white fucks -hail Trump, am I right?- but also from racist white dead fucks of my kind. Some of them are as dumb as to ask, 'So if you're a vampire, why aren't you pale?'

Remember how I was talking about impaling myself?

It's tempting. Really.

Back to complaining about my ruined future. Well, it is so unbelievably tiring getting on with your life after it's lost all purpose. And no sappy romance, no affair with some white glittery fairy, will help you (I'm looking at you, Mrs Meyer).

Now, I'm not saying love can't lighten up your already miserable journey on your way to a not-so-certain death, I'm just saying you're gonna have a real bad time nonetheless.

Just what can be so bad about being immortal with an adjusted diet? You've got plenty of time for everything! Want to be a scientist, but also a writer and a boxer? Where's the problem? There's enough time to do all of your fucking dream jobs.

But oh, here's the problem. You're one of the living dead, your hands are cold and your heart has turned to stone. You're driven by thirst for blood and you're always ticked off from the lack of sleep. We cannot touch humans. It would raise suspicion, because my dear, there is something very wrong with a person without a heartbeat, a person whose hands are so cold you could use them as a refrigerator, one egg in each.

My heart is frozen. I am the ice queen. Literally.

Actually, that's a lie. My heart's working as long as I supply my body with blood. I obviously still feel like the Titanic's iceberg, no touching.

So whenever I want to beat the shit out of my girl's haters, I have to hold myself back. Once a secret, forever a secret. A very deadly secret indeed. We all know what people did to abnormalities in the past.

A/N: Dedicated to JuneValentine because she slays the supernatural genre. Bored of the cliché werewolf love stories for horny 13 year old girls or desperate women in their midlife crisis? She's got a bunch of works that could entertain you.

I'm writing this book purely for fun, pouring my feelings (especially frustration) into it and whatnot. You can always leave a comment and my character will answer your question. It can be weird questions, personal questions or normal ones, like asking about food or death for example. Would love to hear from you.