Evangeline Sophia

*PLEASE DON'T READ* 22th of September 2013

Dear Evangeline Sophia,

            I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars. The last 5 chapters made me cry continuously. It reminds me of what it’s like to lose a child, not to cancer, but it’s all the same. Whether it’s happens quick or slow, it’s still a loss. Most of the things Hazel said about what it’s like are absolutely on point. Daddy and I were among the 50% of couples not staying together after child loss. It’s alright though…….or it will be. Eventually. I hope, at least. I don’t know how it’s possible that I am living right now. I don’t understand how to cope with loss and it’s even worse that you are my child. I have made promises to you that I thoroughly intend to keep, but I have a feeling that I may not be able to keep one of them if I have another breakdown. I love you sooo much. It irritates me and angers me soo bad. Just like it did Hazel. Yes, I’m sad that you are gone. I am even angrier that you passed and how you passed because you didn’t deserve it. AT ALL. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE. I DESERVE to die before you do. I know. I shouldn’t have let her hurt you. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. I should’ve known that you were there in my conscious mind not just my subconscious. WHY? Why did you have to die? Why couldn’t you be alive now and me not be if someone had to die? WHY? Someone tell me! I need to understand! I feel like death all the time. I’m a HORRIBLE mother. I’m soo soo soooo soooo soooooooo sorry. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love you. That basically all I know anymore baby girl. I need help. This I know, my dear. Maybe I’ll find my Augustus sometime soon rather than later because I don’t know if I’ll be here later…….I’m sorry you don’t need to hear my cursed thoughts. I love you baby.

                                                                                    Love,

                                                                                                Mommy<3