Evangeline Sophia

14th of September 2013

Dear Evangeline Sophia,

            Today, we went up to the mountains where some of the family was camping. It was by a lake. I held your cousin and I thought of you the whole time we were there, but holding her just really made me miss you. I sat there staring at the lake, thinking. I was so focused on you that every single time I was asked a question, someone had to tap me or something to get my attention. I was thinking of what you might have looked like. I picture you with big light brown eyes, the big eyes from me and the brown from your daddy, a little nose, like mine, a mixture of me and daddy’s face shapes, and curly medium brown hair, the curly hair from me and the medium brown is a mixture of my light brown and daddy’s dark brown. You would just be really adorable. I thought I would share that with you. I miss you so much. No one can comprehend how much that really is. It’s a bit hard for me to completely understand how it’s even possible to miss someone that much, especially since I never even held you. I haven’t talked to daddy in a while. That’s alright though. Aunt Susan has been talking about a new baby in their family and I kept thinking of you. It’s so hard to be happy for other people when I never got my baby. Another thought. Don’t you think we would’ve been best friends? You would probably tell your friends about me and how much you love me. I would hope that’s what you would do. I hope you would’ve come to me with your problems and anything else bothering you. I don’t want any of my children to have to go through anything and feel alone. I have and it’s not fun. I love you too much. I will never have a chance to prove that I would be there for you and get to hold you when you fall or breakup with your first boyfriend or when your heart breaks because I won’t let you go to that party or when you skin your knee or when you just feel like crying. It sucks to know all that you are missing out on. I know I miss out on things because you aren’t here with me. I mentally miss out. I can’t think straight the moment a baby or child or pregnancy is brought up. I just can’t. My brain ignores everything the person says and I usually have flashbacks to when I lost you or just how much I miss you. I fall apart inside. So far I have been able to physically not show it, but some of my friends can tell. I don’t even care if they can anymore honestly. At least I can focus in class, right? I feel like crying but I can’t. Crying is a sign of weakness. I should show a strong example and hold it in because that’s what you do. You just sit in your room and become numb to the world. Baby girl, I miss you sooooo much. I have dreams of holding you in my arms and just of you growing up in my care. I want you here. Right now. I know that can’t happen. I’m so sorry. It’s my fault…….well, I need to be getting to bed. I love you angel.

                                                                                    Love,

                                                                                                Mommy<3