Always and Never

A New Beginning

Hajime adjusted his umbrella while he sidestepped a puddle that stretched across the sidewalk. He was on his way to meet with Oikawa. Their chosen destination: a cafe that rested between both of their universities. It was within in his line of sight. He just needed to cross the street. When he reached the crosswalk he bustled across with the rest of the crowd.

Once he stepped into the cafe Hajime deposited his umbrella in the designated rack meant for the cafe's patrons. He shook off the rain from his coat, looking around and not finding Oikawa. After rolling his eyes he decided to find a table and wait for him.

He pulled out his phone. It seemed he was 15 minutes early. Sighing, he skimmed through the notes he'd made early on one of his apps. When someone came to ask if he wanted anything he requested a cup of tea. Surely Oikawa would arrive soon. He gave his thanks when his tea was placed down on the table. Just as he was about to fire off a text to Oikawa, someone called out to him.

"Hajime?" The voice of his mother, quiet, tentative and perhaps slightly disbelieving. Hajime looked up, frowning and furrowing his brows. He wanted to leave.

"Mom..." His fists clenched at his sides, his tea forgotten.

"May I... sit down?" She asked, holding back, ready to leave if asked. He looked around again, hoping to find Oikawa but found nothing. Hajime nodded, tensing as she pulled the chair to take a seat across from him. She gave him a nervous smile. Hajime was unable to return it. "You're looking well." She said after a tense moment of silence. "Going to university here then?"

"Yeah." Hajime's voice cracked, forcing him to reach for his forgotten cup of tea. His hands were sweating but he felt cold. The urge to leave intensified. He drummed his fingers over the table, bouncing his leg.

"That's nice. Good, I mean." His mother looked down at the table. It seemed as though she was searching for the proper words to say. "Mariko loved the godzilla plush you sent. Thank-you for that and... and for the card."

A lump formed in Hajime's throat. He nodded, looking properly at her. She was slightly frail, her wrist more bony than before. "So uh... you're both doing okay then?"

She nodded, smiling a little. "Yes, the recovery was a little trying for all of us I think but we got through it. Mariko is already back to school."

"Oh... um, that's good." Hajime said, glancing around again.

The air grew tense and quiet once more amongst their table despite the otherwise busy cafe. Hajime shifted in his seat. "Hajime." He looked up across to his mother. "I... wanted to apologize, for... for before. It wasn't fair of me to ask something for big from you, or... or anything really."

Hajime sucked in a sharp breath of air. He couldn't speak.

"I... I was afraid... and selfish." She said; her expression filled with sorrow and regret. "I knew I was a match, and yet, I hesitated."

"Well," Hajime swallowed the lump in his throat, "you did it in the end. That's what matters."

His mother nodded, pursing her lips. "Right."

Something niggled at Hajime. Despite whatever hesitation his mother may have felt, she did in the end give up a part of herself for her daughter. She loved her, cared for her in a way that Hajime could only long to know. Before he could stop himself, the words spilled out of his mouth. "Would you have done the same for me?"

He watched as her eyes widened in surprise, then slowly shifted, the answer written all over her face. No, she wouldn't. "Yeah, that's what I figured." Hajime smiled ruefully. His hands began to tremble. He pulled them off the table, hiding them, not willing to show her how much she affected him.

"I'm sorry." While she meant it, the answer did not change. Hajime's throat tightened again. He knew it was a stupid question to ask, knew the answer even, and yet it still came out, unbidden. The answer left him crushed, despite his inkling, but somehow, strangely he also felt as though something heavy had been lifted from his shoulders.

While his eyes were watery, he didn't allow for the tears to fall. He looked at his mother, giving her the best smile he could manage. "It's all right, mom."

"No, it's really not." She said, voice mournful and honest. Hajime held back a sob. It was getting harder to hold back the tears. His mother stood, moving to leave. She stopped to place a hand over his shoulder, squeezing for a moment. "Sorry." She said again, and then she was gone. Just like before. Just like she had always been.

Hajime lowered his head, burrowing it into his hand that was propped up by his elbow. He sighed. "You better get your ass over here."

Oikawa squawked from a nearby table, flailing a little as he scrambled to join Hajime at his table. "A-are you... no um..." His question was left aborted, though Hajime knew what he was about to ask anyway.

"I'm..." Hajime couldn't say it. He wasn't fine. His mother was never going to love him the way he wanted her to, if she did it all. It didn't matter, the things he did or thought of doing, or even would do. Nothing would change. It was always going to be the same between him and his mother. Ah, that was the heavy thing that was lifted from him earlier. Realisation. Acceptance.

No, he wasn't fine. Not even close. But, he would be. He looked up across the table to find Oikawa staring back at him. Oikawa smiled, reaching his hand across and wriggling his fingers. Hajime took the hint, lifting his hand back onto the table and entwined their fingers. Oikawa squeezed his hand, patient and comforting. His tears were silent as they finally spilled from his eyes but with Oikawa there, and his father back at home, and everyone else he knew that cared about him, a new strength began to form within Hajime.

He was going to be okay. Of that Hajime was sure. He squeezed Oikawa's hand back, managing to return his smile even as tears continued to slide down his face. The binds that ensnared him released. He was free to move on, to heal.

Yeah, he was going to be just fine.